On That Day
by Wyolake
Summary: My take on how ME3 ended and what happens after. Please R&R. Rated T for mature themes and language. Shenko :
1. On That Day

On That Day…

A/N: This is my take on the ending of Mass Effect 3. WARNING, WILL ROBINSON! SPOILERS! SPOILERS!

There will be no silly star-child to give us information that was lost millions of years ago. I think the game should end with the destruction of the Reapers and a brief look at which of Shepard's team survived and where they were. However, since this is a fanfic I will continue the story beyond that point.

Reviews are helpful and welcome.

* * *

Admiral David Anderson, Commander Emelia Shepard, Garrus Vakarian, MAJ Coats and Liara T'Soni were discussing the final plan to get to the Reaper beam and open the Citadel arms when the transport suddenly – and violently – stopped moving. They were all thrown around. Shepard found herself on top of Garrus with Liara slung across her legs.

"What happened?" Liara asked in a shaky voice as she leaned against the bulkhead to get her barrings.

"Is everyone…ugh…alright?" Shepard asked as Garrus helped her get up.

Everyone stated they were fine and they exited the vehicle only to find that it had barely missed being completely crushed by a large building that had crumbled in front of them.

"Damn it!" Anderson exclaimed as he surveyed the damage.

Shepard trotted over to climb up some debris to see how far they were from the beam and the others joined her. It was still a distance away, but not as far as when they started out. The worst part was that it was a straight shot to the beam with no cover and a Reaper landed next to the beam as they watched.

"Everyone, try to get to the beam. Hammer Squads, go! Go! Go!" Anderson shouted into the comm. and they all began running. Other soldiers from other transports were also running as the Reaper's beam shot again and again.

Shepard quickly lost sight of her companions as she ran and dodged the deadly beam and the debris it threw into the air. She was getting close now and tried to put on more speed. This was it. The Crucible was on its way and this was their last chance to defeat the Reapers and save multiple species in the galaxy. She wouldn't – couldn't – fail now. "This is it. This is it." She panted as she dodged and weaved.

Twenty yards from the beam the Reapers deadly light erupted in front of her and the ground exploded. Shepard slid to a stop and tried to decide which way to go. The heat, light and unbearable noise of the weapon stunned her and she found she was unable to move. She watched in horror as the beam made its way toward her in slow motion. Shepard managed a strangled cry of despair as the beam hit her and everything went black.

Noise. Pain. Excruciating pain. Shepard shifted slightly and screamed as the pain roared to impossible levels. She was pinned, badly wounded and panic began bubbling up within her.

"Commander," came a groan from her left.

"Uhhg," was the only sound she was able to make. She heard the sound of something dragging across the ground toward her and heard the pained grunts that accompanied it.

"Shepard," the voice was right above her now and Shepard managed to open her eyes. Well only one opened, but she could see a little. Anderson's face hovered above hers. He was battered and bleeding, but he was alive and looking down at her.

"An – Anderson," she managed to groan. "What…" she couldn't manage any more. It felt like an elephant was on her chest and her entire body felt burned and crushed.

"I…ah…can't get you out, Shepard. And the beam is gone," Anderson muttered between pained grunts as he looked her over.

Tears of pain and defeat fell from her eyes. "I'm…sorry, Sir."

"You did good, child. You did…good," Anderson said with conviction, but he was very pale. "I'm proud of you."

Shepard tried to answer, but instead she coughed and a weak cry tore through her as she blacked out from the pain.

* * *

Kaidan threw another marauder and got his barrier in place just in time to avoid an energy wave from a banshee. His head buzzed painfully at the site of his implant and he knew he was overdoing his biotics, but he couldn't stop.

"Take her out!" Kaidan shouted to the remaining members of his squad and the marines scattered around him.

A barrage of biotics and ballistics slammed into the monster and with a final scream she disintegrated.

Kaidan looked over the debris he was taking cover behind and did a quick scan for his next target, but there weren't any in sight. He was out of breath and could feel the migraine trying to tear his skull in half, but they weren't done yet. They were east of the beam and their job was to keep the Reaper forces from overwhelming Shepard's location so she and her team could get to the beam and open the Citadel.

"Any targets?" Kaidan panted into his comm..

"Negative," came Private Linton's reply.

"Shit," Kaidan moaned as he rubbed his temples. That meant the Reapers were converging on Shepard and her team. "We'll need to re-group and back up Hammer at the beam. The Reapers are probably storming them right now."

"God…they're all gone," Kaidan heard the words come through his comm unit and his heart felt like it fell out of his chest. He was dimly aware that it was Major Coats' voice.

A female marine's voice came through next. "Did we get anyone to the beam?"

"Negative. Our entire force was decimated," Major Coats replied in a harsh voice. Kaidan felt the air rush out of him and he couldn't seem to draw another breath in.

"Repeat that last message," Admiral Hackett's voice boomed over the comm. "Did anyone make it to the beam?"

"Negative, Sir," Coats replied in a ragged voice. "The Reapers took everyone out thirty yards from the beam. The beam has since disappeared. The mission failed, Admiral."

There was absolute silence on the comm and from around Kaidan as everyone tried to process the information that Shepard had failed. Humanity had failed.

"It's too much. We need to regroup. Fall back to the buildings…" Coats shouted the order into the comm., but Kaidan was unable to focus on the words.

"Em," he groaned as he put his head in his hands. "Not again…I can't…" Kaidan was overcome with grief at the realization that he had lost Emelia again, that she was dead.

"Hammer's wiped out. All forces…retreat. Pull back! Pull back!" came the female Marine's panicked voice.

"Major Alenko, should we regroup with Hammer?" Sergeant Klinger's voice seemed to come from a long distance even though he had squatted down next to Kaidan.

"Sir!" Klinger yelled when Kaidan didn't respond. With a hard shove against Kaidan's shoulder the young biotic managed to get Kaidan's attention. "We need to regroup with Hammer Squad."

Kaidan managed to nod and Klinger stood up and started shouting orders to the group. Once he saw everyone moving to comply he turned back to Kaidan and heaved him to his feet. Keeping an arm around Kaidan he began to move them away. "Just fight the migraine a little longer, Major," he said as he led the grief stricken man from the field.

"The Crucible is moving into position," came Hackett's voice over the comm. "Ten seconds…five seconds."

Kaidan fought down his despair and concentrated on getting his squad to the rendezvous point. He moved away from Klinger and shouted at some stragglers to catch up.

"The Citadel's arms are opening," Hackett said in surprise. "Crucible is docked. All ships move to your coordinates and protect the Crucible."

Kaidan almost ran into Klinger's back and started to yell at the Marine to get moving when the sight that had stopped all of the others caught his attention. There were no less than three Reapers on the ground in the area the beam had been located. The beam to the Citadel was gone, but the Reapers were firing at anything that moved. Kaidan wasn't sure how they were going to get to the rest of Hammer Squad without being fried.

"Oh, shit," Klinger breathed in an awed voice.

"Sir," PrivateLinton's voice quavered in fear. "What do we do?" She asked shakily as she moved beside Klinger and Kaidan.

Kaidan had no idea at this point and his vision was going dark at the edges from his migraine and the loss of Shepard. Before he could answer the scared Private a corona of red seemed to envelope everything in sight. It moved like a fast fog and within seconds it had covered the stunned Marines.

Everyone turned tense and frightened gazes at their neighbors wondering what this was and what to do. There was no where to run as the corona was everywhere. A flash of red lightening brought Kaidan's attention back to the Reapers and he could see flashes and arcs jumping across each gigantic machine.

A flicker of hope ignited within him as he watched one Reaper collapse to the ground. Before the seismic tremor of that one had ceased the other two also went down. The remaining husks suddenly slumped to the ground and didn't move.

Everyone seemed to hold their breath for a moment, but when the Reapers didn't rise a cheer slowly rose from the hundreds of fighters huddled amongst the rubble.

"It worked," Kaidan whispered. "The Crucible worked!" There was a high squeal of delight beside him and before he could blink Private Linton hugged Kaidan hard. She let go of him and hugged the next closest person. With a laugh Kaidan realized that everyone around them was cheering and hugging. He had told Shepard that this is what it would be like.

Shepard! Kaidan just stood there, numb and heartsick. He had lost Shepard again. She had come back to him from death once before, but…

"Coats!" Kaidan yelled in the comm. "Get to the impact site and look for survivors. Everyone," he gestured wildly at the ecstatic soldiers around him. "Let's go. Klinger, get medics and transports to the beam site. Now!"

Kaidan began running. There was almost no chance that Shepard had survived, but she made a habit of doing the impossible. He had witnessed her do it at least a dozen times. Kaidan held onto that slim bit of hope and ran. His life depended on it.

Dozens of Marines joined him as they searched the rubble and checked each body they came across. The dead bodies were mutilated by heat and shrapnel and Kaidan was barely aware of the horror as each body was not _her_.

"Admiral!" Coats' strangled yell came over Kaidan's earpiece. "I found Admiral Anderson…and Shepard."

Kaidan quickly located Coats on his omni-tool and ran the four hundred yards with his heart in his throat.

"Anderson's dead," Coats said quietly as Kaidan came within sight. Kaidan saw that Anderson had fallen face down at the edge of the debris covering Shepard. As Kaidan reached her side Coats gently turned the Admiral over and moved him a few feet away. Anderson's legs ended mid-thigh.

"Shepard," Kaidan yelled breathlessly as he slid to a stop and knelt beside her. He ran his hand down her bloody face and then grabbed her hand that was sticking out of the rubble.

Coats knelt down on her other side and ran his omni-tool over the pale, still body. "She's alive," Coats reported in an awed voice. "Barely, but she's alive."

Kaidan ignored Coats as the man barked orders for medics and leaned down to bring his face next to Shepard's. "Em! I'm here…I'm with you. Stay with me! You stay with me, Emelia!" He noticed a great deal of blood running along the pavement from her head.

Other Marines had already arrived and Kaidan joined them in moving debris off of Shepard as the medics began working on her. As soon as the Shepard was free Kaidan went back and knelt by her side.

"You're going to be fine, sweetheart," he rasped through tears. "Just hang in there and everything will be fine."

**A/N: I would have liked the game to end with the epilogue scenes showing the beam shutting down the Reapers across the galaxy and scenes showing what happened to Shepard's teammates. Just like ME2, I would have preferred if your rating decided who lived and who died. The entire plot of all three games was to stop the Reapers, so that should have been the only option. No starchild – which the instant I saw it I felt it was meant to manipulate me and make my Shepard take down her guard. No synthesis or control option, why would that even be there? No omnipotent chatter from the starchild giving us information that was lost millions of years ago. Okay, I'm done with my rant. My AU version of the story continues….**


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

Hackett stood in the austere hospital room and looked at the broken, still form of Commander Emelia Shepard. The doctors still had her in a drug-induced coma, but they assured the Admiral that she was slowly recovering. It had been eight weeks since the destruction of the Reapers and they had almost lost Shepard three times before they even got her to the hospital. Since then they had performed seven surgeries on her and almost lost her two more times.

"You're an incredible fighter, Shepard," Hackett whispered to the still room. "Keep fighting. You'll be back with us soon."

Hackett had finally ordered Major Alenko back to limited duty. The young Marine had been devastated by Shepard's injuries and had spent every moment with her for three weeks. It was obvious the man felt more for Shepard than just professional dedication. Hackett had wondered a couple of times before Shepard was resurrected by Cerberus if there was some fraternization between them, but Anderson had always defended the pair and Hackett had let it drop.

Hackett hated to make Kaidan leave her side, but there was a lot of rebuilding to do and Kaidan was one of the best Marines left on Earth. Right now Kaidan's diplomacy and familiarity with the Turians and Krogan were essential, so Hackett had ordered the broken man to assist with negotiations.

Anderson. Hackett sighed. He missed his friend terribly. They had served together back in the First Contact War and had been friends as well as colleagues ever since. David Anderson was an incredible soldier, leader and diplomat. He had also taken an interest in Shepard and had steered her career and helped her as a mentor. Hackett suspected that Anderson had come to care for the indomitable young woman as almost a daughter.

Shepard had returned the respect and devotion and Hackett did not look forward to telling Shepard about Anderson's death.

Hackett remembered the first time he and Anderson met her – a raw recruit just finishing up Basic Training.

* * *

2172

Camp Powell, Marine Basic Training Station

California, Earth

Major Steven Hackett relaxed in his seat at a small outdoor coffee shop on the Alliance Marine Basic Training Station. It had been several years since he had been to Earth and he was enjoying the summer day.

"Anderson," Hackett called out when he saw the other man. Anderson waved and swiftly walked over to join the Major.

"Major Hackett," Anderson greeted him with a salute.

Hackett waved away the formality and gestured to the seat across from him. "We're here unofficially, David. Lose the protocol."

Anderson grinned and sat down. "What's this all about, Steven?" They had served together during the First Contact War and had maintained contact ever since.

"I received a call from Gunnery Sergeant Hal Wilson a few weeks ago," Hackett explained after Anderson ordered his coffee. "He is a Senior Drill Instructor here and it seems there's a recruit he wants me to see."

Anderson looked up in surprise. "Really? That's unusual. This must be an extraordinary recruit."

"Wilson didn't give me a lot of details, but it sounds like it." Hackett and Anderson finished their coffee and made their way to the training area.

Within a few moments of checking in, Hal Wilson entered the lobby and smartly saluted the two officers. "Major Hackett," Wilson greeted Hackett happily as they shook hands. "It's good to see you."

"You, too, Hal. This is Lieutenant Commander David Anderson," Hackett paused while the two men shook hands. "Anderson is interested in finding qualified recruits to recommend for the N program. I took the liberty of inviting him to see this recruit of yours."

Wilson gestured the two men to join him and they began walking out of the building. "They just finished up their three-day field exercise and should be coming in for debriefing within the hour," Wilson explained as they walked. "The recruit I want you to see is Private Emelia Shepard."

The three arrived at the training yard where the Drill Instructors were standing waiting for their squads to come in from the field. A few squads had already returned and were getting an ear-full regarding their failures. The final FTX was a grueling ordeal that few squads passed. It was meant to tax their stamina and force them to attempt to get the objective while tired, dirty and hungry.

Wilson led them to a spot by a tall Drill Instructor who was built like a panther. The man marked their approach and gave a brisk nod to Wilson and then turned back to wait for his squad. The man had a hard, angular face and piercing black eyes.

Wilson leaned against some crates and gestured to the Drill Instructor as Hackett and Anderson joined him. "The preliminary report on Shepard included a flagged psych eval. She's the only survivor of Mindoir," Wilson explained.

Anderson gave a low whistle. "I heard about that. She was only a teenager. That must have messed her up, seeing her friends and family killed or abducted by the Batarians."

"Yeah," Wilson continued. "Psych report said she was a loner and her ability to handle stress was questionable. The head shed said to lay it on thick to see if she could take it. I assigned her to Sergeant Clinton," Wilson indicated the Drill Instructor that had greeted them. "He's the best instructor we have. Smart, tough and good at reading people. He laid into her from the moment the recruits got off the transport." Wilson chuckled at the memory. "He calls her Barbie."

"Barbie?" Hackett asked.

"Yeah. She absolutely hates the nickname, but she hasn't punched Clinton yet. He walked up to her immediately and started yelling in her face. Told her that the marines didn't need a Barbie doll and she'd be better off modeling for Fornax than trying to be a Marine." Wilson laughed. "She's a looker, that's for sure. But she didn't bat an eye; she just stood there and informed him she was going to be the best Marine he's ever seen."

"Sounds like she meant it, or we wouldn't be here," Anderson interjected with a thoughtful tone.

"You said her squad completed the objective?" Hackett asked in wonder.

"Yep. They should be coming in soon and Clinton is going to chew her ass," Wilson said with a big smile.

Before Hackett or Anderson could ask why the squad would get chewed out for passing a nearly impossible test the dirty, bedraggled squad came into view. The six members were clearly exhausted and most of them showed it in their slumped posture and shuffling steps. The squad was made up of four males and two females. The female walking at the head of the squad was of average height and walked with a strong stride, head held high.

The squad formed up in front of Clinton and went to parade rest. Clinton wandered up and down the line of them giving each a hard stare. His face wore an angry expression and he clasped his hands behind his back as if trying to keep from throttling the recruits in front of him.

Several of the recruits shifted uncomfortably as the angry silence of their Instructor continued. The exception was the young woman with blond hair who had walked with such purpose. She stood straight and patient, although her eyes showed her fatigue and she was grimy from head to foot.

After several minutes of pacing, Clinton finally stopped and turned to face the squad. "That was the poorest excuse for teamwork and tactics I've ever seen. I don't know how you pukes managed to get to the objective," he roared at them. Hackett was impressed by the Drill Instructor's volume and malice. "It was pure luck and you all better fucking learn from it!"

"Go get cleaned up and eat. Formation at 1800. Dismissed!" Clinton roared and the cowed recruits began to shuffle away.

"Lassiter and Barbie, you stand fast," Clinton growled. "I'm not done with you."

The blond haired girl and a lanky dark haired man returned to parade rest. Her dirty face remained set in a military mask of indifference as her eyes stayed focused straight ahead instead of on the again pacing Drill. Lassiter stood hunched and shaking, although Hackett wasn't sure if it was from fatigue or fear of the angry drill sergeant.

"What happened out there, Lassiter?" Clinton yelled at the timid recruit. Lassiter blinked and his mouth opened and closed a few times, but he gave no answer. With a snort of disgust Clinton turned to Shepard.

"What the fuck did you think you were doing, Barbie?" Clinton screamed in her face.

"Completing the objective, Drill Sergeant," the young woman replied in a strong, even tone.

"Lassiter was in charge of your squad, not you. Why didn't you follow his orders, Private?" Clinton was merely inches away from her nose at this point. Lassiter squirmed slightly, but didn't break from parade rest.

Shepard was silent for a long moment before responding in a calm tone. "Private Lassiter…didn't give any orders, Drill Sergeant." With a deep breath and a tone of regret, she continued. "He froze, Drill. We had enemy units to our East and South and a marsh between our location and the objective. Private Lassiter vapor locked and would not respond to our requests for orders. So…I took charge."

Clinton turned his attention on the wilting Lassiter. "I watched the whole op on the monitor. You're a fucking mouth-breather, Lassiter, and if this'd been real you'd have got the entire squad waxed. You were in charge and it was your goddamn duty to direct your squad and get the objective." Clinton leaned in close and hissed at the shaking recruit. "Get the hell out of my sight, Private." Lassiter quickly headed for the barracks.

Clinton moved in to stand just inches from Shepard's face. "You were the A-slash and it took you too damn long to direct the squad. If you'd reacted faster your squad wouldn't have been squeezed by the southern patrol and you wouldn't have lost two members of your team. You hesitated and the entire squad paid the price for it, Barbie doll."

Shepard stayed silent, her mouth so firmly closed Hackett thought he could hear her jaw grinding all the way to where they stood.

Clinton stood rock still with his nose an inch away from Shepard's as he searched her eyes for a sign of weakness. Shepard stood like a statue and didn't blink.

"You did a good job, Shepard. I'm proud of you for leading the squad to victory." Clinton said in a quieter tone as he stepped back.

Shepard blinked a few times in surprise at the sudden change from her instructor. "Sergeant?" She asked in confusion.

"You've got leadership potential, but you've been hesitant to act on it. Even when the rest of your squad looked to you for guidance you hesitated."

"There're plenty of crappy leaders in the Alliance and you'll have to follow their orders. You're not one of them, Shepard, so when you're presented with the opportunity to command, you damn well better take it! Dismissed, Private." Clinton turned and walked away.

Shepard stood there for a moment before slowly moving toward the barracks.

* * *

Hackett gently patted Shepard's hand and gave a sigh. She had truly exceeded any expectations he had had about her and had given more than anyone should ever have to in the name of duty. The losses she suffered on Mindoir, on Elysium and the first Normandy… And now the losses suffered during the fight for Earth. How was he ever going to be able to break that news to her?

The doctors had told him they were concerned there might be significant brain damage from the trauma and lack of oxygen each time they had lost her. Even if, by another miracle, her mind was whole she would have a long, hard recovery ahead of her. Hackett hoped she would have the strength to endure that process. At least she still had Alenko and some of her friends to help her through it.

"We're all here for you, Commander," he whispered to the comatose woman. Hackett gave her hand one last squeeze and limped wearily from the room.


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: Thank you for the favs, alerts and reviews. I really appreciate them. The following chapters will be snapshots of Shepards recovery and then I'll tie this one up. I have about 4 or 5 more chapters planned, but we'll see what happens when I start getting them on paper.

**Chapter 3**

An all encompassing pain was all she was aware of. She couldn't even identify specific points of pain, it was everywhere. She struggled and finally managed to open her eyes. A white ceiling with painfully bright lights flitted in and out of focus. She was aware of the sound of medical equipment beeping around her.

She turned her head to look around and gasped at the new pain the movement caused. Nothing was familiar. She was in an unknown medical facility. Unknown. Medical. Panic swiftly warred with the pain for supremacy of her consciousness. _Not again! Not again! _The thought kept running through her mind. She had no memory of what might have been before, just the panic that it was happening again.

Her panicked, pain-filled gasps drowned out the sound of the equipment around her and a strangers face came into view and spoke. "Nicole, calm down. You're fine, ma'am."

The words were meaningless. A droning sound she couldn't quite make out. She didn't know this person. Unknown…alone…again!

She felt a hand gently grip hers as the woman droned on. She bucked the hand off and began flailing weakly. _Not again! Not again!_ She floundered and shuddered on the bed completely engulfed in mindless fear and pain.

More faces, more droning. Nothing made sense. Nothing was familiar. There was something she needed. Something important and familiar, but she couldn't remember what it was. She made mewling noises between panting breaths and bucked and flailed. She had to get to something familiar. She had to get away from this.

"Where?" she managed to force out on a cry. "Where?"

A face came into view. A man. She didn't know him. She realized she was crying, but couldn't control it.

"You're alright. You're in an Alliance medical facility," the strange man droned at her, but the words were meaningless. "Give her Lynicine, 5 cc's for the pain."

"Where?" she wailed again as she continued to buck and flounder.

"On Earth. You're fine, ma'am, just calm down," the man had a calm, patient voice but the words were still meaningless…wrong. Not familiar.

More people came into the room and the drone of voices speaking over each other made her panic even more. Nothing made sense. The important thing wasn't here. The familiar…she needed something to be known to her, but she had no idea what 'it' might be.

"Her heart rate and blood pressure are too high," the first voice said again. "We need to sedate her."

That word – sedate – she knew that word. That meant she would sleep and lose…them. The familiar that she craved would be gone if they sedated her and she would be alone. She was alone. "NO!" she screamed and batted at the person who had threatened her.

"Commander! Shepard!" a voice called out strongly to override the cacophony of noises in the room.

That voice was a little familiar. Maybe, but she wasn't sure. She stopped hitting at the sedate-voice and turned her head toward the loud voice.

"Shepard, please calm down. You're alright," a face came next to hers and it was a familiar face. Not THE important familiar thing, but it was familiar.

"Shepard?" the sedate voice said in a surprised tone. "As in Commander Shepard? This is Commander Shepard?"

She ignored the droning of the sedate voice and focused on the familiar…woman. Yes, this was a woman and she was known. The familiar gently held her hand and patted it. "We are not going to sedate you, but you need to calm down, Shepard."

The voice was soft now, and she felt herself being soothed by it. The pain was receding and so was her panic. Maybe this familiar woman would know what she needed. Tears kept interfering with her vision as she looked at the familiar and tried to speak. Nothing came out. She didn't know the words, she wasn't even sure of what she needed herself.

"Where?" this time it was a pathetic plea. It wasn't enough, but it was all she could manage.

"She keeps asking that," the man's voice said. "I don't think she can understand us."

The familiar smiled and patted her hand again. "We've contacted Kaidan and he'll be here within the hour."

Kaidan…this was the only word that meant anything. It conjured the memory of a man's face. The important, known face that she had been desperate for. Kaidan.

Her tears continued to fall as she looked at the familiar and tried to smile. She took a deep breath and felt herself calming. The pain was down to a horrible ache now. "Where?" she asked the familiar again, this time in a quiet voice.

"He'll be here very soon," the familiar smiled again and she relaxed. She was so tired now, she wanted to watch for the important…Kaidan, but her eyes wouldn't stay open.

"Why were we told her name was Nicole Alenko?" the calm voice asked quietly.

"No one is to know that Commander Shepard is alive and here," a deep, gravely voice spoke sharply. This voice was also familiar, but she couldn't make her eyes open to look at him. "The last thing she needs is a throng of grateful fans and media hype. Her true identity is classified."

"Yes, Sir," the sedate voice said quietly. Everyone stopped talking then and she was glad for the silence. Her head was buzzing, but it didn't hurt and she was able to lay there and relax.

The sound of pounding feet and the familiar woman getting up from her side woke her from her light doze. The door whooshed open and the pounding footsteps came in the room. "Dr. Chakwas…?"

She knew that voice and her eyes snapped open. Her eyes met the soft brown eyes and she was overcome with relief. She began crying as she tried to hold her arm out to him…to Kaidan, but she was too weak. Kaidan rushed to her side, tears falling from his eyes as he looked at her. Kaidan grabbed her hand and put his face next to hers.

"Emy. Oh, Emy," he whispered as they both cried. "You're awake. Everything's going to be fine."

Emelia nuzzled her face against his and reveled in the feel of his hand holding hers. She wasn't sure why, but his presence made her feel safe. She was so relieved to have the fear and loneliness lifted. She tried to speak, but only managed a few sounds. He shushed her softly and sat in the chair next to her bed. He wiped tears from his eyes as he smiled at her. Kaidan gently wiped the tears from her eyes and ran his hand against her cheek. She managed a weak smile and sighed. She was so tired and it was getting hard to keep her eyes open.

"Stay?" she mumbled quietly. There seemed to be something else she wanted to say to him, but she couldn't remember what it was.

"Yeah, sweetheart," he said with a huge smile. "I'm not going anywhere. You can sleep and I'll be here when you wakeup."

Emelia's eyes drifted closed as she tried to keep them open. There was something important she needed to say. She fought to remember what it was, but it was so hard to think. She felt angry frustration building as she felt herself falling asleep.

_Emelia lay next to Kaidan with his strong arms wrapped around her. She gently ran her hand up and down the arm he had over her ribcage. Kaidan nuzzled the back of her neck and he pulled her more fully against him. She sighed in contentment, delightfully tired from their love making. __A tear fell as she held the arms that held her and squeezed._

"_I'd given up," she whispered to the man at her back. "I didn't think I'd ever have your arms around me again." Kaidan kissed her cheek and rolled her onto her back. He levered himself up on one elbow and looked down at her._

"_I have a request," Kaidan said softly. His tone was serious, intense. Emelia simply nodded and waited for him to continue. "When we win this war," he paused and then continued. "On that day and not before," he said the last sternly as he tapped her nose. "On that day I would like you to start thinking about marrying me."_

_Emelia lost her breath in a shocked gasp and Kaidan kissed her softly. "Don't answer now. Don't think about it now, but on that day…whether I'm next to you or not…on that day I will ask you to marry me."_

That was what she needed to tell…Kaidan…she realized as she tried to wake up. She struggled to open her eyes, but it was not working. She could feel sleep trying to overtake her. She must have made noises because Kaidan shushed her again.

Emelia continued to fight her fatigue and talk to the man beside her, but it was so hard. She managed to open her eyes a couple of times, but they instantly closed again. She had seen his concerned face as he sat next to her. She couldn't get the words out and desperation bloomed within her as she sunk back into sleep.

* * *

Kaidan continued the rub his thumb along the back of her hand as he held it. She was struggling, trying to stay awake. "Shhh, Em," he whispered. She made little mewling noises as her eyes fluttered a couple of times.

Finally it seemed that exhaustion won and her eyes stayed close and she relaxed. Her hand squeezed his weakly. "Yes," she breathed as she succumbed to sleep.

Kaidan felt tears threatening again and he brought her hand up to his lips and placed a long kiss on the back of it. She had said 'yes'. She remembered. She was awake and she remembered. He was nearly overcome with relief.

Dr. Chakwas put a hand on Kaidan's shoulder. He looked up at her and she indicated with her head that Kaidan should join Admiral Hackett and Dr. Patel on the other side of the room. Kaidan gave Emelia's hand another squeeze and rose to join the others.

Dr. Patel cleared his throat and looked at the assembled group for a moment before speaking. Kaidan felt his stomach knot up at the dour look on the doctor's face. "I won't lie to you," the doctor began. "I was getting very concerned when the Commander didn't wake up after we ceased the drug induced coma. That she has woken now is a good sign, but I urge you all to be cautious in your relief."

"Is the amount of confusion she has normal in this situation, Doctor?" Hackett asked.

"It's understandable. We'll watch her over the next few days to see if she becomes clearer. We'll test her speech, reflexes and memories to determine the amount of damage," the doctor explained.

"You – you sound like you're sure she has brain damage," Kaidan managed in a rough voice. Chakwas placed her hand on Kaidan's arm and Hackett gave him a sorrowful look.

"Yes, I do believe she had damage. Only time will tell how extensive and whether her body can repair it. What I need for all of you to understand is that this will be a slow process and at times she may seem to backslide. She will need your support. When you speak to her make sure to keep the topics positive." The doctor took a breath and seemed to consider his next words carefully. "For at least the next several weeks don't mention any of her friends who have died. I want to minimize the amount of emotional distress she has to deal with."

The doctor left to order a scan of Shepard's brain as the others stayed where they were. The three of them stood in silence for a long time.

"Major, I'll be able to give you three days leave to stay with Shepard, but then you will need to attend the inter-species summit and give your findings. I'll try to give you as much time with her as possible, son," Hackett said to the younger man.

Kaidan nodded slowly. "I understand, Admiral, and I thank you for your understanding."

Dr. Chakwas spoke up. "I'll see about having a cot moved in here so you can at least get some sleep, Kaidan. This is going to be tough on you, too."

"Yeah," Kaidan said softly. "But she's awake and there's hope. Shepard's always exceeded expectations."


	4. Chapter 4

Ch 4: On That Day…

**A/N: I am not a medical professional and I apologize if any of the medical stuff in this story is way beyond inaccurate. If you see any absolutely glaring errors, let me know, but I am going for a general feeling and am not researching the med bit very hard.**

**I had a lot of little scenes I wanted to write, but had trouble figuring out the timeline for them. That and some medical trouble of my own delayed this chapter.**

**Thanks for the review, favs and alerts!**

* * *

Kaidan paused outside Shepard's hospital room. She had been awake several days and was stable enough to move her out of the intensive care unit and into an actual room. It even had a window, although it had been very carefully chosen to show a minimum of the damage and have a calming view of the bay. It was one of the few views that didn't have a derelict Reaper looming in the distance.

Shepard was more alert and could speak more, although she stuttered a little as she tried to get some words out. The doctors said it was most likely temporary. She still slept frequently and could only stay awake for about an hour, sometimes less.

Kaidan sighed heavily and scrubbed at his tired face. He was hesitant to enter her room. The physical therapy had begun today and the therapist and his assistant had been moving Shepard's arms and legs. The arms had gone well enough, but when they worked on her left leg…Kaidan cringed at the memory. Shepard had a lot of damage to her left thigh from shrapnel and the debris she had been caught under. Her pelvis had also been broken and although the bones were mostly healed she was extremely sore. As the therapist started moving her leg she grimaced and hissed. Kaidan watched as she struggled to keep the pain from showing too much, but within a couple of minutes she broke into tears. That was when Kaidan had left the room. He knew it was going to be difficult for her, but to see the amount of pain she was in had caused him physical pain.

It had been several hours and Kaidan hoped she had managed to get to sleep after the ordeal. He put a neutral face on and quietly opened the door. Shepard was lying quietly in the bed and the therapists were gone. Kaidan walked softly to the chair by her side and sat down. Emelia opened her eyes and turned to look at him.

"Hi," she said with a smile as she held out her hand to him.

"Hey, Shepard," he returned with a big smile as he took her hand and squeezed it. "How are you?"

She gave a sigh and frowned a bit. "It was r-r-…hard, but better now." She gave a big smile. "Drugs."

Kaidan laughed at the goofy look on her face and leaned over to kiss her softly. "I'm sorry, love. Hopefully it won't hurt so much next time."

Shepard sighed and scratched at her head. Her expression turned serious as she ran her hand over her shaved head. "Want to s-s-see," she said.

Kaidan hesitated a moment. "Alright," he said quietly and squeezed her hand again before going to find a mirror.

He returned in a few minutes with a rectangle mirror with a handle. He gave Shepard a smile and handed it to her.

Shepard took the mirror and placed it on her lap. She looked at it a moment before turning her gaze to Kaidan. Her expression was pensive. "Hideous?" she asked seriously.

"Not at all, hon," Kaidan responded earnestly. "A little battered. You'll have a few more scars; you have the one through your eyebrow again." He smiled at her.

Emelia smiled a little at the last comment and then picked up the mirror with a quiet sigh. Kaidan watched her expression as she examined herself. She ran a hand over the stubble on her head and she frowned.

"It'll grow back," Kaidan said softly.

Emelia nodded slightly and softly touched the scars that were scattered over her skull.

"The doctors say those should fade completely. There's one on the back that might be a permanent scar, but your hair will cover it."

Emelia moved her hand to the back of her head and fingered the one inch line Kaidan mentioned. With a nod her expression softened and Kaidan realized she had categorized the damage and had decided it was nothing to worry about.

She lowered the mirror until she could see all of her face. She chewed her lower lip slightly as she took in all the changes. Kaidan looked over the scars, as well. They were still pink and raised, but he knew from experience that they would fade and become less noticeable. She had a line that ran diagonally from her hairline through her right eyebrow. He watched her expression as she realized that she was lucky it stopped just under the eyebrow or she would have lost the eye.

"I missed your old scar," he said softly, referring to the changes Cerberus had made to her when they brought her back. "This one is almost exactly in the same place."

Emelia smiled slightly and nodded before continuing her inspection. She had three small lines on her left cheek, but they were already fading and she quickly dismissed them. They would disappear soon enough.

Her attention went to the scar along her jaw line on the left side. It was three inches long and was still raised and pink. She traced it lightly with a finger_**. "**_Tha'll leave… mark," she whispered with a smirk.

"Yeah," Kaidan agreed. "That was from surgery to fix your jaw."

"Hmm," she murmured thoughtfully and then handed the mirror back. She had already examined the scars on her torso, arms and legs and didn't need the mirror for those.

"'m…lucky," she said and her mouth had that small quirk on one side that he found so irresistible.

"As usual," Kaidan said with a laugh before sobering. "Eight weeks in a drug-induced coma, two weeks after that before you woke up." Kaidan sighed and brushed his thumb along her cheek. "Those were the worst ten weeks of my life. I wasn't sure I'd ever get to see your pretty blue eyes again."

Shepard batted her blue eyes at him and he laughed. "Minx," he whispered before he kissed her.

Shepard put her hand around his neck and into his hair as she kissed him back. When Kaidan ended the kiss she kept his face close with the hand on the back of his head. "Than you…waiting." She grimaced as if that didn't seem to be the word she wanted. "For bein' here."

"Forever," Kaidan said seriously. "I'm not going anywhere, Shepard."

She smiled and kissed his nose before lying her head down. "Tired." She grumbled. "Again."

"It'll get better, Em. Don't worry about it," he squeezed her hand and went over to lay on his cot.

"L-look like… J-," she complained petulantly and waved her hands in frustration when she couldn't get the word out.

"Jack?" Kaidan gave a short bark of a laugh. "If you want we can cover you in tattoos to complete the look."

"Hmmpf," was her only reply, but he could see her smile.

* * *

Kaidan started awake as the door slid open.

"Hey, Kaidan! Check out the wheels they gave me!"

"Joker shut up! Shepard's trying to sleep! And where did you get that wheelchair?" Kaidan growled in a harsh whisper.

"They left it out unsupervised," James stated as he strolled in behind Joker. "Wasn't anything I could do, Major."

A bark of laughter from Shepard made them all turn to her.

Joker wheeled the chair to Shepard's bedside and did a couple of cookies before looking up at her with his trademark smirk. "Hey, Commander."

"Joker," Shepard said quietly. "James." She had a huge smile on her face and levered herself up in the bed. "Good?" she asked looking between the two.

"Yeah, yeah," James said as he leaned against the wall. "I broke my arm and had a few burns, but the bod is as good as ever now."

Shepard rolled her eyes, but the smile stayed on her face. She looked at Joker.

"I'm good, Shepard," Joker answered her. "Had a rough ride for a while, but all is well."

"Normany?"

Kaidan threw a look at Joker, but the man wasn't looking at him. He hoped Joker remembered they weren't to tell Shepard any distressing news. Kaidan was sure she'd be upset to learn that EDI hadn't survived the Crucible's beam.

"Almost as good as new. We had to fix a few things, but nothing too major. Hackett has the Normandy flying supply runs and assisting with clean up efforts." He threw a big grin at the Commander. "She'll be ready and waiting when you're done malingering."

Kaidan held his breath as Shepard ignored the joke and gave Joker a long, hard stare. _"She knows he's holding back on her,_" Kaidan thought with dread. Kaidan was impressed that Joker's face didn't change under her stare.

"Hey, Lola," James said from his spot on the wall. "How's the food here? Mine was worse than Krogan leftovers."

Kaidan gave a silent sigh of relief when Shepard turned her attention to James.

"Yeah," she said and grinned at the huge man.

"You're looking pretty tuff, there. All you need is a couple of tattoos and you'll be good to go," James said and then looked confused as Shepard and Kaidan laughed.

Shepard finished laughing and laid her head back down. Her eyes were getting heavy.

Joker reached up and removed the SR2 hat from his head. "You can keep this until you get back on board, Commander," he said solemnly as he put the hat in her hands.

Shepard looked at the hat with an expression of horror. "N-n-no!" she said and Kaidan thought he saw the hint of tears in her eyes.

"Joker," he started, but Shepard cut him off. He wanted to punch Joker for upsetting her.

"Not…" she blinked hard and gave Joker an angry look. "I…" She took a deep breath and tried again. "Not…dying." She threw the hat back at him and laid her head down with her face turned away.

"I'll walk these two out and then I'll be back," Kaidan said as he gave Shepard a peck on the cheek.

Shepard didn't acknowledge that they left.

Kaidan motioned the two outside and walked out behind them. Joker abandoned the wheelchair and they walked a few feet down the hall. "Damn it, Joker! Why the hell did you do that?" Kaidan growled at the other man.

"Shit," Joker said as he stopped walking and leaned his head against a window. "I don't know. Shit."

"Yeah," James said in a rough voice. "It's hard to see the Commander like that."

"I just wanted her to feel like she had a little bit of the Normandy with her, or maybe so she'd know we were thinking about her. I don't know! Seeing her like that... How do you handle it, Kaidan?" Joker asked with a stricken look.

"She's awake, coherent and getting a little better each day," Kaidan said. "This is a damn sight better than when she was lying in a coma."

"Yeah," James agreed, but he still had the sad, serious expression that Joker did.

Kaidan was going to admonish Joker again, but the man's obvious distress made him change his mind. "Hey, Joker, don't worry about it, man. I know you meant well. She'll be fine."

"Yeah," Joker said miserably.

"Thanks for stopping by, guys. She's a little wrung out right now, but I know she enjoyed seeing you. Can you come by again in a couple of weeks?"

"Sure," Joker said as he straightened up. "Maybe next time we'll bring her a squirt gun so she can get some payback on the nurses."

James gave a loud snort of laughter. "That the Commander would love."

"There's one really perky orderly that she'd definitely love to point a gun at," Kaidan said with a laugh and the others joined in.

Kaidan smiled and shook hands with the men before returning to Shepard's room. He looked down at her as she slept and felt none of the shock the other men had. Kaidan had high hopes that she would soon be back on her feet and barking orders. She was too stubborn to settle for anything less.


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5: On That Day….**

Shepard lay on her bed and looked out the window. She wasn't really aware of the view as she was mired in her thoughts. It had been a rough couple of days and she was feeling restless and despondent. Kaidan had gone to work that morning and she was left alone to brood in the quiet room.

A couple of days after Joker and James had visited she had a vicious nightmare. She woke up screaming, Kaidan and Doctor Chakwas at her side trying to wake her up. She had no memory of what the nightmare had been exactly, but she hadn't been able to stop shaking for twenty minutes. Ever since that morning she had a sense of dread that she couldn't shake. Shepard put on her game face for Kaidan and pushed the unease to the back of her mind, but it never truly left her.

The nightmare seemed to have thrown her progress back a bit and she had gone back to barely being able to speak. Kaidan sat by her side as patient and loving as every day previous and somehow that just made her feel worse. Shepard felt guilty at the amount of time and attention he was spending on her instead of his duties. At the same time she only felt truly comfortable when he was next to her.

A few hours after her nightmare the gratingly vivacious orderly had bounced into the room with a gleeful 'Who is ready for some solid food?' Well, it was only gelatin but it was the first sustenance she received that didn't go through her IV tube. She had glared at the orderly as he put the tray on her bed, but he seemed unaware of her irritation. Shepard decided to ignore him and grabbed the spoon. She lifted it only to have it fall out of her hand. She hadn't gripped it tightly enough. With some irritation she tried again, but the spoon clattered to the tray. She was thoroughly disgusted with her inability to hold a simple spoon.

Kaidan – sweet, wonderful Kaidan – had calmly picked up the spoon and fed her a bite. Shepard was overcome with shame at having to be fed gelatin like a small child. She felt helpless and worthless and had to turn away from Kaidan after the second bite as she fought back tears of frustration.

Kaidan had told her not to worry and that 'everything will be alright', but she was beginning to doubt that she would ever be whole again. That feeling, coupled with the dread left over from her nightmare was what she was dealing with now. She had regained her earlier progress over the last couple of days and her speech was better. She had a little more strength and could stay awake for several hours now. Still, she felt too weak and helpless and was sick of it.

Shepard was actually a little glad that Kaidan had gone to work today. It was getting harder and harder for her not to show her despair in front of him. Even worse, she felt her temper starting to fray and the last thing she wanted to do was take it out on Kaidan. He didn't deserve it, so she continuously buried her feelings around him. Now that she was alone she could wallow without worrying about him.

Shepard woke to Kaidan's voice coming quietly from the door. "Thank you, Doctor. I'll do that." Kaidan came over to her bed and looked at her with a smile. The smile faltered a little and his eyes took on that concerned look that she was beginning to hate seeing.

"Are you alright, love?"

Shepard realized her cheeks were wet and that she must have been crying while she slept. She impatiently scrubbed them away and tried to smile. "I'm good," she said and hoped it sounded more sincere than she felt. From Kaidan's expression it hadn't.

"I thought you might be going a little stir crazy being stuck in this room. How'd you like to join Admiral Hackett for a little lunch in his office?" Kaidan said in a forced happy tone.

The idea did make her feel a little better and she smiled wider. "Yeah. That'd be good."

Kaidan found a wheelchair and helped her into it. As he took her through the halls he kept up an easy conversation with her about books and movies. Shepard had noticed how no one would talk to her about current events. The most she got was that there was a lot of damage (duh!) and rebuilding efforts were underway.

"Is Hackett's office here in the hospital?" Shepard asked suddenly.

"Actually, this building is now Alliance Headquarters and this floor has medical facilities. The rest of the building is offices, training areas and a few apartments. Due to the…state of things right now the Alliance wants things as co-located as possible." Kaidan explained quietly.

Shepard wanted to ask what he meant by the 'state of things', but knew he wouldn't tell her the truth. She was really getting tired of being treated like a delicate doll. The worst part was knowing that right now she was.

Shepard looked out the windows as they went along the hallway. This seemed to be a bridge between two buildings and she could see out across the grounds to the city of Vancouver. Suddenly out in the distance she saw a Reaper. Fear engulfed her. It couldn't be more than a few miles away and she knew it could be at their location in a matter of seconds, firing its beam and destroying the building they were in.

"Stop!" she hissed in a ragged voice. Her eyes stayed glued to the still Reaper waiting for it to sense her and turn its attention on her. She was barely aware of the gasping breaths that escaped her tight throat. She dimly heard Kaidan question her. Visions of the Reapers destroying the council chambers, the shuttle with the little boy, Harbinger firing that last shot as she ran toward the beam – all these and more filled Shepard's mind as her eyes stayed glued to the horror outside the window.

"Shepard!" Kaidan's voice rang strong and loud as his body came around in front of her. Strong hands gripped her face and turned her away from the window to look at him. "Its dead, Em! The Reapers are all dead. You're okay."

Shepard looked at Kaidan's concerned face, but the horrible images of the Reapers kept playing through her mind. She knew she was whimpering and crying, but she couldn't control it.

Kaidan pulled her into an embrace and kept talking to her. Telling her it would be okay. Slowly she began to calm down and actually heard the words he was saying.

"I'm sorry," she whispered.

"Shhh, Em. It's okay. You're safe. We're all safe now," Kaidan whispered and feathered kisses on her temple. He stood up and placed his body between her and the window and pushed the wheelchair to the end of the hall. Safely away from the view of the Reaper he knelt down beside her and peeled her hands off the arms of the wheelchair. He softly stroked them as he gazed at her. "Do you want to go back to your room?"

Shepard took several deep, shaky breaths before speaking. "No. I'm okay. I would like to see Admiral Hackett."

"You're sure?" Kaidan asked and she nodded. She managed a small smile and he wiped the tears off her face.

Within a few moments they entered Hackett's office and the Admiral stood up with a huge smile. "Shepard. It's good to see you out and about."

Shepard returned his smile and shook his hand when he reached her chair. Hackett had visited her several times over the last few weeks, but they had been short visits. It really did feel good to be out of the room. "Nice office," she said as Kaidan wheeled her over to a round table set up in front of the windows. Although, there were several destroyed buildings in the distance there was no Reaper and Shepard focused on the trees immediately outside.

Kaidan was still tense and his face showed his concern. Shepard noticed Kaidan and Hackett trade a look, but she was unable to figure out the meaning. The two men seemed to communicate something with that look, but Hackett smoothed his features and sat down at the table.

The three of them engaged in small talk as they ate chef salad. It was very good and Shepard was actually enjoying herself. Kaidan relaxed as he saw her eating and engaging in the conversation.

"So, what's the current situation, Admiral?" Shepard asked idly as she pushed away her plate. The tension in the room skyrocketed and she looked at Kaidan and Hackett in confusion.

"There's not much to tell, really," Hackett said with a forced lightness. "Rebuilding. It's time consuming, but we're getting there."

Shepard's earlier good mood evaporated as he gave her the same platitudes she'd heard since she awoke.

"James and Joker came to see me," She told him with a tight smile. "Liara, too. I received flowers from Trayner and Cortez and a card from Engineer Adams, Donnelly and Daniels."

Hackett and Kaidan traded a look that Shepard swore looked panicky. Getting angry now she pressed on. "Where's Anderson and Garrus? I haven't heard anything about them. Is Tali okay?"

The two men stayed tense and silent. Shepard felt her stomach fall as she interpreted their silence. "Why won't you tell me?" she demanded angrily. "If they're dead at least let me know so I can mourn them!"

"We'll fill you in on everything later, Shepard," Hackett said in a placating tone that put her teeth on edge. "Right now you should focus on getting better."

Shepard leaned forward to rail at the Admiral when Kaidan interrupted her. "I'd better get Shepard back, Admiral. I promised the doc I wouldn't keep her out too long."

Hackett nodded, but Shepard saw the hint of relief in his eyes. "It's good to see you, Commander, and I'm glad you're doing so much better. I'll stop by again in a few days."

Kaidan quickly wheeled her out of the office and she stayed silent. She wanted to scream in frustration, but she knew that would do no good. She made sure to keep her eyes on her lap instead of the windows as they went back through the hallway to the hospital wing.

Kaidan had stayed silent the entire trip back, as well and she could feel the tension in him. They entered her room and he parked the wheelchair next to her bed. Shepard levered herself up and put a hand on the bed so she could transfer over to it.

"Here, let me help," Kaidan said quickly and moved to her side.

"Stop coddling me!" Shepard yelled as she pushed his arm away.

"I'm not –" Kaidan stopped himself when he realized he had responded in the same tone and volume that she had. "I'm not coddling you," he finished in a calmer tone.

Shepard managed to pull herself onto the bed and wearily laid back. She looked at Kaidan and didn't try to hide her anger. "Yes you are," she hissed. "You all've been hiding things from me. I don't have extranet access. I can't watch the news. Hell, the docs won't even let me have my omni-tool. Everyone who comes in here is so careful about what they say.." She let out a frustrated sigh. "I'm damned tired of it."

"Shepard, you have to understand-" Kaidan started, but her temper was loose and she cut him off.

"Understand what? That I'm broken? That I have no control of my body or my emotions? Believe me I already know that!" She yelled at him.

Kaidan stood there for a moment and looked at her. The concerned look was back and she wanted to wipe it off his face.

"You're tired," Kaidan said softly.

Shepard gave a growl of irritation and turned away from him. She _was_ tired and she hated it. She was yelling at Kaidan and she hated that, too. She felt tears burning the back of her eyes and she ruthlessly blinked them away. She had never cried as much as she had the last few weeks and she couldn't seem to control that anymore than she could anything else. The utter helplessness was foreign to her and she couldn't take it anymore.

"Leave me alone," she hissed.

She felt Kaidan stand there for several long moments and she was afraid he would touch her or say something kind and she knew if he did she would start crying like a baby. Instead he quietly walked across the room and she heard the door hiss open and closed.

Regret at yelling at Kaidan replaced the anger and she couldn't hold back the tears anymore. Alone and miserable she cried like a baby. And she hated herself for it.


	6. Chapter 6

Ch 6: On That Day…

A hand clapped Kaidan's shoulder causing him to jump in surprise. He had been lost in thought and had no idea where he had walked to or who was around him.

"Hey, man," James said forcefully. "You look like you're in dire need of a drink."

"Oh. Hey, James," Kaidan said distractedly. "No, thanks. A drink is the last thing I need right now." Kaidan realized he had ended up in the main lobby of the HQ. He tiredly scrubbed at the back of his neck.

"Come have a drink with me and talk," James said with conviction as he grabbed Kaidan's arm. "You look like shit, compadre."

"I feel like shit," Kaidan mumbled as he let the muscular man lead him into the small Alliance lounge.

Kaidan sat at a table while James went to the bar to get them drinks. It was early and the music wasn't too loud. At least it was pop music rather than the thumping dance beats played in other bars Kaidan had been in.

James arrived at the table and set a glass in front of Kaidan which he immediately filled half-way with a pale yellow liquid. Kaidan thought it resembled piss and he cocked an eyebrow at James.

"Trust me," James said with a smile and lifted his own glass. "Salud!" James said when Kaidan raised his glass. Both men slammed back the liquor and Kaidan felt his throat lock up as the smoky liquor burned its way down to his stomach.

Kaidan began coughing violently. "What the hell!" he wheezed between coughs.

James laughed and refilled the glasses. "Mescal, bro," he said brightly. "Guaranteed to fix your problems. Well, at least after a bottle or two."

"Riiight," Kaidan gasped and drank the second glass. The first drink must have burned out all his taste buds and nerves because this one went down fairly smoothly.

"So, what's going on with Shepard that's got you all torn up?" James asked and refilled the glasses again.

Kaidan sighed and lazily swirled the liquor in the glass. "She's upset about us keeping things from her," Kaidan said softly. "And she has every right to be. We waited too long."

James sat silently and let Kaidan talk.

"It's just that we didn't want to hit her with all the bad news when she first woke up. And she was so confused those first few days. I probably should have told her when she became lucid, but…" Kaidan sighed and sipped the drink. "She thinks I'm coddling her."

"Aren't you?" James asked and Kaidan scowled at him. "How's she doing, Kaidan? I mean really doing, not just what everyone is telling her."

"She's doing better than the doctors expected. Her cognitive functions are almost back to normal. She has some memory problems, like she thinks the first time we met Liara was when they took out the Shadow Broker. But she also remembers rescuing Liara on Therum, but she remembers that being afterward."

Kaidan's grave expression changed as he gave James a half-drunken smile. "She also thinks you were part of her crew when they were with Cerberus." James gave a snort of amusement and re-filled the glasses.

"So, a few memory problems," James said after draining his glass. "That's not so bad."

Kaidan grew serious again. "She's having nightmares almost nightly now. She claims she doesn't remember them, but…" Kaidan sighed. "She starts real physical therapy tomorrow using a walker. I think she's going to have a hard time."

"Have you told her that?" James asked pointedly.

"No."

"So you are coddling her," James said without heat.

Kaidan glared at James a moment and set down his glass. "Is it coddling? Really? I'm walking a tight rope trying to keep her spirits up while also keeping her from doing too much. You know Shepard. She'd try to go running down the hall if we let her and right now she can't. And she could re-injure herself if she pushes too hard."

Kaidan paused and took a sip of his drink. "I just wanted to wait until she was closer to normal to lay all the deaths on her."

James slammed his glass on the table. "She isn't going to be "normal", Kaidan. Even if she made a miraculous recovery she'll never be the old Shepard again. She's been through too much, you have to realize that."

"What the hell do you know, Vega!" Kaidan shouted at him. "You aren't with her every day! I see her struggle. I see her cry. Every damn day! She's fragile right now and I didn't want to add to that. When she's stronger…"

"I've talked to Chakwas, "James shouted over Kaidan, cutting the man off. "I know she's emotionally fragile. PTSD. I also know that the doctors don't think she'll ever walk un-aided again. At best she'll have a permanent limp, just like Joker. It doesn't help her to have the people she trusts treating her like she's broken!"

"But she is broken," Kaidan shouted back. He looked down at the table and rubbed his eyes. "I can't tell her that, but I know it's true. She'll never fight on a battlefield again and that fact might just break her spirit."

James was quiet for a long time. "Shepard's tough. She wouldn't have made it through half the shit she's seen if she wasn't. The truth won't break her spirit, Kaidan, but having the people she trusts lie to her might."

Kaidan was silent as he digested what James had said. The big man had a point and Kaidan realized it was up to him to fix the problem. "I'll tell her tomorrow," he said quietly.

"You need to take care of yourself, too, Kaidan. You're spending every night in a hospital room with her and working out in that mess every day." James sighed. "You're no good to her if you're mentally beat, man."

James re-filled the glasses and lifted his high. "Hence the magic of mescal!"

Kaidan gave a tight smile and raised his glass. "Salud!"

* * *

A/N: I am not happy with this chapter, but I couldn't think of another way to bridge to the next section I want to write. This part has been holding me up, so I decided to post as is and move on.

Thank you all for the reviews and I promise the next chapter will have more meat to it.


	7. Chapter 7

Ch 7: On That Day…

Shepard sat on the patio of the hospital's cafeteria and soaked in the sun and the happy twittering of the birds. It felt wonderful to be outside. She took a deep breath and closed her eyes. It was a little chilly, but the sun was warm and it was a beautiful clear spring day. The patio had a high wall and was filled with planters full of shrubs. A few early spring flowers were blooming and the trees had leafed out.

Kaidan arrived with their trays and she gave him a happy smile. He didn't seem to be having any ill effects from his drinking. Shepard had decided not to say anything to him when he had entered the room last night smelling of alcohol. This morning she had apologized to him and he had given her an understanding smile and a kiss, then he suggested they eat outside.

"Beautiful day," Kaidan remarked as he sat in the chair next to her.

"Yes, it is," she responded with a smile. "Great idea to have us eat out here."

Kaidan smiled back and they ate for a few moments in silence. "So," Kaidan said slowly. "Today is your first day with the walker. I can request to take the day off work if you'd like."

Shepard thought about this for a while. She had already been warned by the physical therapist that it would take time to build up her muscles and stamina and she shouldn't be discouraged if she wasn't able to get very far today. As much as Shepard loved having Kaidan around she also didn't like him having to watch her struggle.

"No," she said as she gave him a thankful smile. "I think I'd rather you see me when I'm more proficient at it."

"Alright," Kaidan said softly and squeezed her hand. "I had planned to bring you up to speed on everything, but maybe…" he took a deep breath and continued as he looked at her with a serious gaze. "maybe since it's going to be a hard day for you I shouldn't hit you with a bunch of emotional stuff."

"No," Shepard said quickly. "I really want to know, Kaidan. I have so many questions." Kaidan gave her a look of uncertainty and she rushed on to assure him. "I know it will be hard for me to hear, but please…I can handle it and it won't affect my physical therapy this afternoon."

Kaidan seemed to consider her words and she waited nervously for him to make up his mind. She knew that if she pressed too hard he would decide she wasn't ready.

"All right," he said softly. "But I have a condition." He gave a tight grin at her grimace. "You need to talk about all of this with the counselor. Or me, but preferably the counselor."

Shepard groaned and sat back in her wheelchair. "Why would you make that a condition? You hate therapists as much as I do."

"Yeah, but you've had a lot of changes thrown at you these last few weeks and I think you need to talk about them." Kaidan was quiet for a moment and looked down at the table. "Your nightmares are getting worse, Em. You need to get some of the emotions out, clear things up."

Shepard rolled her eyes. "The last few weeks have been nothing compared to the last three years. I can handle it, I'm dealing with it."

Kaidan's expression darkened and he turned to her with a stubborn glint in his eyes. "It's not just about your injuries; it's about all the crap you've been through your whole life. You've always managed to bury it and ignore it, but…it's coming back on you now. You need help to deal with it, Shepard, or it'll tear you apart."

Shepard sat stunned by Kaidan's out-burst. A little voice in the back of her head finished his sentence: It'll tear us apart. She managed to keep her face neutral despite the terror that thought had filled her with. "Alright, Kaidan. I'll try to do better with the counselor."

Kaidan reached out and grabbed her hand again. "Well you've seen Joker, James and Liara.

"I haven't seen Liara in a few weeks. What's she doing?" Shepard asked.

"She's helping the scientists who are studying the relays, but I'll get to that in a minute. Alright. I'll start with the Crucible." Kaidan took a deep breath and seemed to gather his thoughts before he started.

Shepard sat quietly and listened as Kaidan told her all that had happened. "No one had made it to the beam to get on the Citadel and everyone thought that the war was lost at that point. I can't begin to tell you how I felt when the radio reported that your entire team had been targeted by Harbinger's beam." Kaidan was quiet for a moment. "I thought I'd lost you again," he whispered.

He didn't speak for a moment longer and Shepard watched the emotions wash over Kaidan's face as he remembered the events.

"We found Anderson next to you," Kaidan said quietly and watched her. "It looked like he died not long after the beam hit you all."

Shepard couldn't stop a few tears from escaping as she processed this news. She had a fuzzy memory of Anderson speaking to her. "He told me I did good," she said softly as she wiped her eyes. "He said he was proud of me."

Kaidan squeezed her hand and moved his chair closer so he could put an arm around her. She laid her head on his shoulder as he continued. "We never found Garrus," Kaidan said softly.

Shepard gave a low moan as the pain of his loss hit her. "He was with me from the beginning," she said softly and buried her head further into Kaidan's shoulder. "I could always count on Garrus."

Kaidan kissed her temple and squeezed her shoulders. "I have to admit I was more than a little jealous of how close you two were when I came back to the Normandy. I had the thought that if he'd been human…well, I would've had a real fight on my hands."

Shepard gave a tight chuckle through her tears. "Yeah, you might've. I loved him. God, I'll miss him."

Kaidan stayed quiet for a long time and let her deal with the emotions. He continued when he felt her relax a little.

"The Crucible had sent out a signal and the Citadel's arms opened. Once the Crucible docked it had begun powering up and a massive beam of energy shot out of the Citadel and covered the system before reaching the mass relay. The relay activated and sent the beam on to the next one."

"The Citadel, while still mostly intact, was a mess, the relays were fried and the scientists still haven't figured out how to get them working. The Reapers and all the husks ceased to function once the beam washed over Earth. All synthetics were knocked out by the weapon." Kaidan took a deep breath.

"What about EDI and the Geth?" Shepard asked quietly and Kaidan's arm squeezed her shoulders a little tighter.

"Dead. Joker said that EDI just…winked out. They've been re-wiring the Normandy so all the systems she was wired into will work without her." Shepard was sad to learn about the EDI and the Geth, but it was out-weighed by her happiness that the Crucible had worked.

"Tali?" Shepard asked after a moment.

"She visited you a few times while you were in the coma, but within a few weeks the Quarian ships decided to start back to their home world." Shepard knew it would take centuries unless they managed to find a working mass relay. "It broke her heart, but Tali decided to join them instead of staying on Earth." Kaidan said sadly.

"She was devastated about leaving while you were still in a coma," Kaidan told Shepard. "But she recorded a message for you. I'll bring you an omni-tool this evening and you can see it."

Shepard was happy her friend had survived and hoped the Quarians would somehow reach Rannock in Tali's lifetime. Tali had been so thankful to have the opportunity to live on the Quarian home world again; it would be cruel if she didn't get the chance.

"The Quarians agreed to set out quantum entanglement communication satellites at intervals, so at we'll get a new comms network out of it." Kaidan reported.

Shepard nodded thoughtfully. There were so many people potentially stranded without the relays. "What about Miranda, Jacob and the others? Who all survived from the Normandy crew?"

"I don't have any information on Miranda Lawson, but Jacob Taylor contacted me a couple of days ago asking about you. He'll be by to visit in a couple of days. Traynor's fine, although with a few injuries, but Allers was lost on the ground outside London. She was getting battlefield footage."

Shepard mulled over all the information Kaidan had given her and tried to come to terms with all the losses.

"The Normandy required extensive re-wiring after the loss of EDI, but she's flying again and has been assigned to shuttle personnel and supplies to the Mars out-post and to various locations on Earth." Kaidan gave her a grin. "Joker grumbles about the boring assignments, but I think he's relieved that he still has his baby."

"Yeah," Shepard said with a smile. "I'm sure he's happy that he can still fly her. Did he take EDI's loss hard?"

"Well you know how good he is at hiding his feelings," Kaidan gently shook Shepard. "Almost as good at it as you. But he seems to be dealing with it fairly well. EDI was almost like a sister to him and he grumbles about not having her around to monitor the systems for him."

"Poor Joker," Shepard mumbled quietly. "What is the focus now for the Alliance?"

"The Alliance is currently in charge of all re-building efforts while the different countries struggle to appoint political leaders," Kaidan explained. "Admiral Hackett is now the highest ranking officer in the Alliance and put together a panel of Admirals, although there aren't very many of them."

"What have you been doing besides nursing me?" Shepard asked him with a tight grin. She felt guilty about the amount of time he spent with her, but she knew she wouldn't be able to do it without him supporting her.

Kaidan smiled at her. "I don't consider it nursing…more like enjoying actually having time to spend with you. Otherwise I've been splitting my time between attending meetings with the Admirals, assisting with re-building Alliance headquarters and Vancouver, in general and with dealing with the Krogan who were trapped on Earth."

"The Krogan are really starting to be a problem," Kaidan told her. "They've become almost a gang. Raiding and threatening those around them. They're demanding their own country. I've been trying to negotiate, but I don't have the same rapport with them that you did. I'm afraid I'm not getting very far."

"What about your parents, Kaidan?" Shepard asked quietly and turned so she could see his face.

"There's still no word about my dad," Kaidan said sadly. "My mom is still at my cousin's in B.C. She wanted to come home, but things are still so unsettled I asked her to stay there a few more months."

"Have you visited her?"

"No, not yet," Kaidan said guiltily.

"Kaidan," Shepard admonished softly.

"I know, but there was so much to do here." He looked at her. "I didn't want to chance you waking up and me not being there. Also, there is all the looting and lawlessness going on in every city on Earth." He gave a long sigh. "You'd think people would be happy they survived and everyone would work to get Earth back in working order, but they aren't."

"Resources are short and there's no government, or very little, right now," Shepard said logically. "Things will settle down. I'm sure more people are actually helping than you think."

"Yeah," Kaidan said softly. "I need to get you back to your room and head off to work. You okay, Em?"

"I'm upset, but I'm also glad to finally know the truth. I'll be fine, Kaidan." She said and gave him a quick kiss on the cheek.

"The best news," Kaidan told her as he wheeled her back to her room, "is that you should be released from the hospital in a couple of weeks and we have an apartment waiting for us in the HQ complex."

"We?" Shepard said with a laugh.

"Yep, we. And it's a nice apartment. It has a great balcony with a beautiful view."

"I can't wait to get out of here," Shepard said seriously. "That apartment might just be the thing I needed to get me to work harder."

"Don't overdo it, Emelia," Kaidan cautioned and Shepard just patted his hand in response.

* * *

Shepard slowly made her way down the hallway with her walker. She tried to ignore the steady babbling of the orderly walking by her side. Nothing seemed to dim his enthusiasm and she ground her teeth in frustration as she took another step. She had been on the walker for a week, but she still couldn't get all the way to the end of the long hallway. She was determined to get at least half-way today before turning around. "I can make it 50 measly yards," she thought angrily to herself. "Only ten more yards. C'mon, Shepard," she told herself and took another step.

She was exhausted and sweating from the exertion. Her left leg was incredibly weak and her right foot kept trying to drag. It took all of her concentration to pick the right foot up and move it forward.

Every afternoon she was supposed to use her walker and she was doing a little better, but it wasn't enough to truly make her feel any better. It didn't help that every time she was in the hallway she felt that tickle between her should blades that – on the battlefield, at least – meant that something bad was around the corner. She kept watching the corner ahead of her waiting for the threat to jump out and start shooting.

She was so busy watching the corner she lost her concentration on walking. Her right foot snagged on the floor causing her to stumble, which in turn caused her to jar her left leg. Fiery pain shot through her left thigh and up into her pelvis. Shepard hissed at the pain as the orderly kept talking.

Instantly furious, Shepard gave a roar of anger and threw the walker against the wall with a string of blistering curses. Without the support of the walker her legs trembled and she fell ungracefully into a chair next to her. This brought more pain as she jarred her pelvis. More curses were spat between clenched teeth.

"So, scaring little orderlies is your new pastime, Shepard?" A sarcastic voice said.

Shepard managed to look up and saw Joker leaning against the wall not far from where she had ended up. The orderly had pressed himself against the wall opposite her and had such a look of terror on his dark face that Shepard would've found it funny if she didn't hurt so much.

Shepard only managed a groan in reply and sagged in the chair. Joker waved the orderly away. "I've got this," he said and the orderly practically ran down the hall.

Joker retrieved her walker and set it in front of her. He made sure the latches were solid and then looked at Shepard. "Whenever you're ready," he said as he patted the walker.

Shepard gave him her best scowl and made no move to get up.

"Unless you want to sleep in that chair tonight, you need to get moving," Joker pointed out.

"It's pointless," Shepard growled. "I'm not making any progress."

"Sure you are," Joker said dismissively. "Maybe not as fast as you're used to, but it takes time."

"What the fuck do you know?" Shepard snapped without thinking. Her outburst was met with silence and she realized her mistake. She looked up at Joker to see him staring at her with a hard gaze. "Joker, I'm sorry," she said truthfully. He didn't look angry, but he also wasn't smiling.

"I've had to do this," he patted the walker, "at least eight times since the age of three. I know how hard it is and how it feels like you'll never get past it."

Shepard knew Joker was speaking the truth, but it didn't make her feel any better. She slumped further in the chair and tried to ignore the throbbing in her thigh and hip.

"Self pity won't get you down that hallway, Commander," Joker said in impatient tone as he moved the walker a bit closer to her.

Shepard glared at the walker, but it – and Joker – were unmoved by her bad temper. With a sigh of resignation she sat up and put her hands on the walker. She hesitated not wanting to face the pain of getting up.

"Any time you're ready, Commander," Joker said in a half sneer.

Shepard really wanted to punch him in the face, but instead she gripped the walker and pulled herself up. She couldn't entirely suppress the groan of pain, but at least she was standing. She stayed still for a few moments until the worst of the pain faded and then looked at Joker. He had a half grin on his face which both irritated her and made her want to smile in return. Instead she reached out and snagged the hat off his head.

"Hey!" Joker said in surprise.

With a smirk Shepard settled the hat on her head. "I believe I remember you offering this to me and I think I could use it now."

"Uh-uh," Joker said with a scowl and snatched the hat back. "You threw it back at me like it was the 'Hat of Doom'. If you want it now, Shepard, you have to earn it." He moved a few steps down the hall and waved the hat with a grin.

"You are so going down, flyboy," Shepard drawled and began the slow process of chasing a limping Joker down the hall.


	8. Chapter 8

Ch 8 On That Day…

Kaidan walked into Shepard's room that evening and looked at her sitting in a chair by the window. "Nice hat," he said in greeting.

Shepard touched the bill of the cap with a huge grin. "Yep. How was your day?"

"It was long, but let's go back to the hat. Joker said you cheated, but that's all he said when he called. Well, he did say you were a mean and horrible Commander and that you cheated. What happened?"

Shepard tried to scowl, but couldn't quite hide her grin. "I didn't cheat, I was presented with a tactical advantage and I took it."

Kaidan looked at her for a moment and sat down in the other chair. "And you got his SR2 cap?"

"Yep," Shepard said brightly.

"C'mon, Shepard. How'd you get his cap?" Kaidan pleaded.

"He told me I had to earn it and made me chase him down the hall to my room. When he got to the doorway a pretty nurse walked by and while he was…admiring her I used my walker to pin him and took the hat. Tactically sound and objective achieved. No cheating involved." At Kaidan's confused expression Shepard continued. "Plus Joker got her number, so it wasn't a total loss for him."

"Congratulations," Kaidan said with a smile and leaned over and gave her a long kiss.

"Hmmm," Shepard mumbled and returned the kiss. She scowled as Kaidan sat back in his chair. "When can I get out of here again? We need some alone time."

"You're still not cleared for…that kind of activity yet," Kaidan pointed out in a husky voice.

Shepard leaned forward and gently drew her finger along his face, down his neck and over his chest. She grinned at the groan she elicited from him. "There are other ways we can…blow off steam," she whispered seductively.

Kaidan grabbed her hand and deliberately placed it back on the arm of her chair. "Joker's right. You do cheat." He cleared his throat and walked to the other side of the room. "I'm glad you had a good day, though."

Shepard scowled. "It was truly horrendous until Joker came to my rescue."

Kaidan watched her for a second before changing the subject. "Let's go have dinner. Admiral Hackett is going to meet us in the dining hall. He reserved the back room for us. I think he has some news to share." Kaidan retrieved her wheelchair and brought it over to her.

"That's interesting," Shepard said as she transferred to the wheelchair. "I hope its good news."

* * *

Shepard put down the data pad she'd been reading and scrubbed at her eyes. She turned her head to look out the window of her room and reflected on the last few days.

Hackett had given her some work to do and she was grateful. It was only looking over recruitment records and recommending assignments, but at least she wasn't just lying useless in her hospital bed.

Hackett had sent Kaidan to the Mars' Archive to attend meetings with the new Alliance defense council and representatives from the provisional Earth governments. He was going to be gone for a week. Three days of that had passed and Shepard missed him terribly.

With a sigh she turned back to her work. She was fully engrossed in it when Chakwas came in.

"How are you doing, Commander?" Chakwas said with a smile. "You're up late."

Shepard glanced at the clock and grimaced. "Time slipped away from me. I guess you're here to chase me to bed," she said to the older woman with a grin.

"You do have a full day tomorrow. I hate to sound motherly, but…" Chakwas smiled.

"Alright, alright," Shepard said with a fake grimace. "I'm looking forward to watching the recruits do their final obstacle run, so I'll go to bed like a good girl."

Chakwas laughed and stood ready to help as Shepard limped from the chair to the bed. Shepard was doing very well on the walker and only needed it for balance now. The physical therapist said she could try using a cane by the end of the week. Shepard, of course, wanted to be using it before Kaidan returned.

"Kaidan didn't call tonight," Shepard muttered as she settled into the bed.

"I'm sure he'll make up for it tomorrow," Chakwas said lightly. "Good-night, Commander."

"Good-night, Doctor," Shepard replied as the older woman left and turned out the lights.

* * *

Shepard went through the hallways on her walker with her orderly in tow. The orderly was still perky, but he no longer prattled on since Shepard's outburst last week. Shepard had consented to using the wheelchair to get to the obstacle course and back to the headquarters, but had insisted on 'walking' back to her room.

She was almost able to move at a slow walking pace now and felt some pride in her accomplishment.

They exited the elevator on the floor containing the hospital wing and Shepard noticed two guards standing across from the doors. The guards looked at them, but otherwise didn't move. Shepard felt a fissure of tension run down her back. Had there been guards on their way out? She didn't remember seeing any.

They turned and started down the hallway to the walkthrough that would take them to the now familiar hospital wing. Shepard noticed two more guards at the entry to the walkthrough. Now she was thoroughly on edge and she scanned the long area in front of her as the orderly walked beside her. She listened as they passed the guards, but the two men didn't follow them.

They exited the walkthrough and there were two more guards at this end. The guards outwardly studied Shepard and her companion as they passed, but made no other move.

Shepard and the orderly turned left and started down the long hall that would intersect with the hospital wing. Shepard wished she had a weapon as she scanned the hallway they were traversing. It was wide with chairs stationed at intervals on both sides interspersed with potted plants. There was a wide doorway and twenty yards beyond that was a corner. There were no doors or other openings on this stretch of hallway. No cover sufficient to use if a firefight broke out, she thought. She carefully controlled her breathing as her heart rate sped up and the tension increased through her back and arms. She carefully continued walking and listened for any movement ahead or behind them.

Shepard kept her attention glued to the corner ahead as she went through the doorway. The orderly was talking about the events at the obstacle course, but Shepard ignored him. Shepard heard a whisper of sound from the corner ahead. She froze and hissed at the orderly. He stopped and looked at her in confusion.

Shepard went into full battle mode and strained to hear the sound again. It had been so faint she wasn't sure she had actually heard it, but it sounded like a husk brushing the wall around the corner ahead.

Shepard crouched slightly and gripped the walker. She quickly scanned the hallway between them and the corner. More chairs interspersed with potted shrubs. No cover, no weapons. Shepard quickly glanced behind them at the empty hallway they had just walked through. They were completely exposed and vulnerable from two directions. The orderly would not have any combat experience and Shepard would have to protect him as well as deal with the husks once they poured around the corner. How was she going to manage that with a bum leg and no weapons?

Shepard backed up so she was against the wall next to the doorway they had just come through and motioned to the orderly to do the same on the other side. The stupid kid just blinked at her.

"What's wrong?" he asked and she hissed at him to shut up and take cover. Instead the stupid kid started tapping on his omni-tool. Shepard turned away from him in irritation. It would take too long for reinforcements to reach them, although she couldn't blame the kid for not realizing that.

Shepard looked at the corner again and felt panic start to well up in her. They were exposed and helpless. She was helpless. The only potential weapon she had was the walker and it was too light to stop a husk. And there was never only one husk. They would pour out around the corner like an unstoppable, fetid wave. Any second now…

A hand grabbed her arm from the doorway and Shepard yelped in surprise and instantly grabbed the arm in both hands and broke it. There was a howl of pain and a cacophony of voices. Shepard's breath came in ragged gasps as she tried to fight off the onslaught from behind them. She had been so worried about the corner she forgot to keep track of their six. The poor kid would be ripped to shreds by the stinking husks and it was her fault.

Shepard kicked and fought as she was taken down to the floor. Her walker had been pushed aside during the struggle. Shepard fought even harder as she realized that if they got her to the floor and pinned her it would be over. She yelled and hit, but there were too many. They were all over her. Everyone in the wing would die and it would be her fault. Helpless, completely helpless. The thought kept running through her mind as she fought.

A couple of attackers managed to pin her left arm against the floor, but Shepard continued to fight. There was a sharp pain in the crook of her elbow as she kicked a husk in the face. She managed to pull her arm loose and tried to get up. Everything was taking on a wavy hue and she blinked her eyes as she scrambled to use the wall to get upright. The hands had stopped grabbing at her, but she could still see forms all around her. Then they reached for her again. Shepard screamed as the darkness claimed her.

* * *

Kaidan sat in the chair in his quarters wearily and punched in the code to call Shepard. He hadn't been able to call her the day before and he felt guilty. He was also missing her and after the last two days was eager to see her face and hear her voice.

"Kaidan, I'm glad you called." It was Dr. Chakwas that answered and Kaidan blinked at her image in confusion.

"Doctor. Can I talk to Shepard?" Kaidan asked lightly, but he was concerned by the look on the doctor's normally calm face.

"She's…sleeping." Chakwas took a deep breath and chewed on her bottom lip for a moment.

"What's wrong," Kaidan asked in fear.

"She had a panic attack this afternoon and had to be sedated," Chakwas stated bluntly.

"A panic attack?" Kaidan asked. "She's been tense a few times, but I can't imagine her actually having a panic attack."

"Kaidan, it was very bad. It seems she thought there were husks attacking and she hurt a few people." Chakwas' expression was grim.

"Husks? But she knows the Reapers are gone. How could she think there were husks?" Kaidan remembered Shepard laughing about getting Joker's cap and couldn't wrap his head around what the doctor was telling him.

"Kaidan, we told you she had PTSD. This was just an extreme episode. Something set her off and she was completely unaware of reality." Chakwas scrubbed at the back of her neck.

"I'll take the next transport back," Kaidan said and began mentally ticking off what he would need to pack.

"I think that would be best, if Admiral Hackett can spare you," Chakwas said quietly. "I'll send him a message."

"Thanks, doctor. I'll see you tomorrow night," Kaidan said and started to reach to end the call.

"Kaidan, wait," Chakwas stopped him. "There are more guards stationed on the wing. Do you know anything about that?"

Kaidan inwardly groaned. "Yeah, but I'll explain when I get back. This is an open line."

Chakwas nodded and signed off.

Kaidan sat there for a moment and tried to imagine Shepard panicked to the point she would hurt innocent people. In all the nightmarish situations they had been in he'd never seen her panic. Concerned, stressed and battle-ready of course, but never panicked. And what effect would this have on her? Shepard had always been strong, capable. The realization that she was vulnerable would eat her up. "Oh, Emy," he whispered to the empty room. "I'll be there soon."


	9. Chapter 9

A/N: Thank you so very much for the reviews! They really do help me keep up the motivation to write. Sorry for the lateness of this chapter. I had a hard time getting this to come out decent. The next chapter is what I really wanted to write, so it should be up soon. Please keep the reviews coming!

* * *

**Ch 9 On That Day…**

Kaidan walked down the hall of Alliance HQ. He had been unable to leave Mars early to be with Shepard. Hackett had said he understood Kaidan's concern, but the summit was too important to let Kaidan leave. So Kaidan had endured the long days and called Shepard each evening.

Kaidan had received a message from Dr. Kallestri to visit her before going to see Shepard. Kaidan finally reached the therapists office and the receptionist told him to go right in.

Kaidan entered and found Dr. Kallestri seated in a large leather chair that was well padded. There were two other chairs like hers and a leather couch that looked very comfortable. The office was furnished with soft toned wood end tables and various knickknacks. There were tasteful art works on the walls and a large fish tank. One wall was completely full of windows that showed a small patio with wicker furniture and a table. The whole office felt comfortable and almost homey.

Dr. Kallestri looked up from the data pad in her hand when Kaidan walked in. She was a middle-aged woman with short chestnut hair that had a few grays in it. Her hazel eyes were bright and she smiled as she greeted Kaidan. "Major Alenko, a pleasure to see you again."

Kaidan nodded at the slight woman and sat down in the chair she indicated. "How's Emelia, Doctor? What happened?"

Kaidan's directness didn't seem to faze the doctor and she looked at him intently as she answered. "What were you told?"

"That her PTSD kicked in and she injured a few orderlies who were trying to get her calmed down. Admiral Hackett said no one had life-threatening injuries." Kaidan gave a long sigh. "I can't imagine Emelia hurting orderlies no matter how upset she was."

Dr. Kallestri nodded and leaned back in her chair. "Shepard wasn't simply 'upset', Major. She was convinced husks were about to attack. That was her reality at that point. She didn't realize who the orderlies were."

Kaidan shook his head. "I can't… Husks?" Kaidan asked in confusion. "She knows they aren't around anymore."

"Kaidan," Dr. Kallestri said quietly. "Shepard's really been shaken by this. She's been having difficulty coming to terms with her injuries, but this," she sighed and hesitated a moment.

"I don't understand," Kaidan said earnestly.

Dr. Kallestri sighed and leaned forward. "She hurt people during this. One man has an arm broken in two places, another has a broken nose. The rest only have bruises, but Shepard isn't handling it well."

"Shepard would be happy to hear that, doc. She never made a habit of hurting innocent people." Kaidan said with conviction.

"But that's the problem; she didn't know they were innocent at the time. From her perspective she was fighting for her life and only managed to break an arm and a nose," Dr. Kallestri gave Kaidan a sad look. "If four men had jumped her two years ago what would've happened to them?"

Kaidan groaned and rubbed the back of his neck. "Damn."

"Exactly," Dr. Kallestri said with a sigh. "That's why she's so upset. Her confidence in herself is almost non-existent at this point and I can't get her to talk. Or to listen. She's very stubborn."

Kaidan gave a small chuckle at that. "She certainly is. How can I help?"

"Just be there for her. Try to get her to open up and see what she is still capable of."

Kaidan nodded absently as he thanked the doctor and left the office. Kaidan turned the corner to Shepard's hallway and saw her using her walker. She was headed back toward her room and was concentrating on the floor right in front of her walker. She didn't notice Kaidan standing at the corner. Her face was flushed and tendrils of hair stuck to the sweat on her face under Joker's cap. Her mouth was set in a firm line of pain and concentration as she slowly moved step by step with the walker.

Kaidan walked up to her and waved the orderly away. "Hey, love," he said and her head snapped up.

"Kaidan!" Shepard said enthusiastically as a smile lit up her face.

Kaidan moved around the walker and pulled her into a strong hug. She clung to him as her arms went around his neck and she squeezed him just as hard.

"Miss me?" he asked as he nuzzled her neck. Shepard only nodded against his shoulder. "Let's get you back to the room and we can talk," Kaidan said and gave her a deep kiss. He helped her get her balance back on the walker and they made their way slowly back to her room.

Shepard sat on the bed with a deep sigh and rubbed her left thigh. Kaidan noticed the dark circles under her eyes and the sweat from her exertion. She looks exhausted, he thought sadly.

"How was Mars?" Shepard asked quietly as she lay back in the bed and set the cap on the bedside table.

"Tedious. A bunch of politicians whining about they weren't getting everything their districts needed. Even though they all know resources are limited. I'm glad to be back," Kaidan said as he sat on the edge of her bed.

"What about you?" Kaidan asked as he searched her face. "I heard what happened. I tried to get back early, but…" he shrugged.

Shepard grimaced at the mention of her panic attack, but she managed to school her expression into the 'Commander's Mask'. Kaidan wished she wouldn't do that to him.

"I'm better. It was…stupid. It won't happen again," she said with determination.

Kaidan grabbed her hand and squeezed while giving her a stern look. "You have PTSD, Shepard. It wasn't stupid, it was completely understandable and we'll work through it."

Shepard dropped her gaze and nodded sadly, but she didn't answer him.

"Tell you what," he said with a small smile. "You go get a shower and I'll bring up some dinner for us. We'll talk about what set it off."

"I don't really want to talk about it, Kaidan," she said quietly.

"Go get cleaned up. You stink," he said and placed a kiss on her nose.

She scrunched up her nose at him. "You're such a sweet-talker."

Kaidan chuckled and rang for the nurse. Once she'd arrived he left to get them some food.

When Kaidan came back with dinner Shepard was dressed and tying her shoe. She gave him an appreciative look as he started setting out the food on the small table in front of the window. Slowly she made her way over and they ate while making small talk.

With a quiet sigh Kaidan looked at Shepard and broached the topic. "What set you off?" He asked softly.

"Kaidan," Shepard groaned with more than a hint of irritation.

"Don't 'Kaidan' me. You know I'm right, so what set you off when you had the panic attack?" Kaidan asked as he leaned his elbows on the table.

Shepard grimaced at the term, but didn't comment on it. She gave Kaidan a steady look. "There were guards stationed at the elevator and every corridor. It made me nervous." She placed her elbows on the table and leveled an all business look at Kaidan. "What's going on?"

Kaidan sat back and scrubbed a hand threw his hair. "Things are bad out there. The violence and looting is getting worse. We've made a lot of headway in cleaning up, but things are still rough and people are having a hard time making ends meet." Kaidan looked at Shepard and she nodded her understanding, but she didn't shift her gaze. "Also, Liara's contacts have reported increased chatter from Cerberus."

"Cerberus?" Shepard asked in surprise. "But I thought the Illusive Man…" she trailed off as she thought about the situation.

"There's been no sign of the Illusive Man. Based on what he told us when we were on his base we think he was on the Citadel when the Reapers closed it and brought it to Earth. He's most likely dead." Kaidan explained. Shepard had always insisted that her crew give her the facts straight and without sugar-coating and Kaidan did the same thing with her now.

"Along with everyone else on the station," Shepard said sadly. "What is Cerberus up to?"

"We're not sure. There appear to be several small cells on Earth and without the Illusive Man there's a vacuum. Liara thinks a few of the cell leaders are vying for control. There have been communications talking about attacking Alliance teams and how to gain a foothold in the forming political arenas." Kaidan looked at her uncertainly. "They've also been trying to get information on you."

"Me?" Shepard asked in surprise.

"Yeah. Officially you're still listed as Missing in Action-Presumed Dead. You're under an assumed name here and only a handful of people know who you really are, but there have been rumors that you're alive."

"Why would the remnants of Cerberus be looking for me?" Shepard asked in confusion.

"They blame you for stopping the Illusive Man's plans," Kaidan started.

"That's true enough," Shepard said with a smile of satisfaction.

Kaidan grinned back at her. "Liara thinks that the ones trying to take control of what's left of the organization see you as a way to do that."

Shepard considered that information for a moment. "Yeah. Capture or kill the main reason Cerberus is in ruins and you gain enough respect and power to take over."

Kaidan watched Shepard closely. "They aren't really a threat at this point, Em. Cerberus is in tatters and the Alliance has stepped up security."

Shepard's thoughtful expression turned to one of irritation. "You think telling me this will make me more paranoid, Kaidan?"

"I don't want to make your PTSD any worse," he said quietly.

"It won't. Now I have a concrete explanation for what's been going on and I know what the threat is. I think this helps, Kaidan." She said with conviction. Kaidan wished he could be as certain.

* * *

A few days later and Shepard still wasn't completely back to normal. She had been attending daily sessions with Dr. Kallestri since the episode, but she was still withdrawn and quiet. Shepard didn't talk about it again with him, but she was working hard on her physical therapy again.

The doctors had moved her release out a couple more weeks, which Shepard had taken hard. Kaidan was just as anxious to have her out of the hospital. He thought Shepard might do better in a less clinical environment, but the doctors wouldn't budge.

Kaidan and Shepard were sitting quietly in her room when Admiral Hackett came by to visit.

"Commander," Hackett greeted her warmly. "Major."

"Admiral," Shepard said and gave the older man a smile. Kaidan noticed the smile didn't seem to reach her eyes.

Hackett sat down at the small table with Shepard and Kaidan sat on his cot. Hackett studied Kaidan and Shepard with hooded eyes before speaking. "I'll just jump right to the heart of why I came to see you."

Shepard nodded in appreciation, but didn't interrupt the grizzled officer. "Shepard, you have the choice to medically retire if you want, but I'm hoping you still want to serve." Hackett said as he watched Shepard closely.

"I'm an Alliance Marine, Sir," she said and then more quietly, "it's all I know."

Hackett gave Kaidan a quick look that seemed full of concern, but quickly turned back to Shepard and continued. "You're a damn fine Marine and an intelligent and effective leader. That's what we're desperately short of right now."

Hackett paused but Shepard didn't reply. She simply turned her head and looked out the window.

"If you want to stay on active duty you'll be promoted and assigned here at HQ." Hackett said.

"Promoted," Shepard repeated, but Kaidan couldn't tell if it was a question or not. She seemed to say it with no inflection.

"You led five fleets into the battle for Earth. That's an Admiral's job and you certainly deserve the rank after all you've done the last four years."

"Promoted to Admiral?" Kaidan said in surprise. "That's awesome! Congratulations, Em," he said with a big smile and went over to hug her.

Shepard gave a small smile, but she didn't seem overly happy at the news.

"I need experienced people so I can populate a new Defense Council," Hackett said quietly. "You'd also have another position that would be full time, but your appointment to the Defense Council would be immediate. It'll be up to you if you want to go by Emelia Shepard or another name."

Shepard nodded and was silent as she thought about Hackett's words. Kaidan was concerned by her lack of emotion.

"What position would you be interested in having – if you stay?" Hackett asked as he leaned toward her.

Shepard took a moment before answering. "I'm not sure. I'll have to think about it," Shepard said quietly. "What's the status of the 'N' program, Sir?"

Hackett smiled. "Currently it's on hold while we deal with getting Earth fixed. That would be a good fit for you, Shepard."

"We have a lot of new recruits," Shepard said with a wave toward the stack of data pads she'd been going through. "I've seen a few that seem like candidates for the program."

Hackett stood to leave. "Think it over, Shepard and let me know."

Kaidan and Shepard stood, too. "I will. Thank you, Admiral." She saluted him and then shook the hand he offered.

Kaidan saluted him and turned to Shepard. "I'll see the Admiral out."

Once they were outside the door Hackett paused and looked at Kaidan. "She's not doing well," he said sadly.

Kaidan sighed. "She's been pretty depressed, but she's dutifully following the doctor's orders and working on her physical therapy."

Hackett shook his head. "Dutifully?"

"Yeah, I know. I think this might help, though. Give her a purpose. Thank you, Admiral, for making the offer."

Hackett gave a grim smile. "It was legitimate. The Alliance needs Shepard and I hope she realizes that."

Kaidan watched Hackett walk away and ran a hand through his hair. He hoped she realized it, too.

Shepard sat in the room and looked at her reflection in the window as Kaidan walked out with the Admiral. She sighed sadly at what she saw. At least Hackett's offer would let her stay in the military. Still she was disappointed that he hadn't brought up the Normandy. She'd turn down the promotion if she could get back on her ship.

She heard Kaidan come back in, but didn't turn around. "A desk job," she said with derision.

Kaidan walked over and put a hand on her shoulder. He rubbed her gently. "It's a natural part of getting promoted. Even if you weren't injured you would've been promoted after all you've accomplished."

Shepard struggled to keep her irritation in check. Kaidan was right, but she felt slighted. "Captain usually follows Commander. I should get a ship not Admiral's bars."

Kaidan sighed and moved around and squatted in front of her. "You had the responsibility of Captain from the time Anderson gave you the Normandy. You've served in that position already they just didn't give you the rank. That wasn't fair. Hackett's trying to make things right and he needs Admirals. Good, smart Admirals to help get the fleet back together."

Shepard ran a hand along Kaidan's jaw. "I don't want it, Kaidan. I want the Normandy. I want…" she sighed and dropped her hand. She wanted to be what she had been before and she knew that couldn't happen.

Kaidan raised her hand and kissed it. "I know, Em," he said quietly. He stayed there for a moment stroking her hand and then suddenly got to his feet.

"I have a full evening planned for us," He said with a hint of a grin. "Why don't you rest up while I finish getting everything together?"

Shepard sighed. "What plans?" she asked morosely. "I don't feel like doing anything."

"It's a surprise and I think you'll enjoy it," he kissed her cheek. "I'll be back in a couple of hours."

Shepard watched him bound out of the room and couldn't suppress a small smile. She couldn't imagine what he had planned, but his enthusiasm was wonderful to see. It was also contagious. She leaned back in her chair and looked out the window as she felt curiosity push away some of her depression. "I love that man," she whispered to the view.


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter 10: On That Day…**

Shepard sat quietly in the wheelchair as Kaidan pushed her through the hallways. He had said their destination was in the far building and it was simply too far for Shepard walk. She was irritated, but she also admitted he was probably right. She also didn't want to be exhausted before seeing whatever Kaidan had planned.

Kaidan talked lightly as they went and it seemed to Shepard like the more distance they put between them and the hospital wing the more relaxed she felt. She told herself she was being fanciful, but she still enjoyed the feeling. She also felt better since she was wearing actual clothes instead of the hospital pajamas. Chakwas had brought her a few different items to choose from and she was wearing dark brown pants and a wrap-around turquoise shirt. Soft suede slipper shoes completed the outfit.

They came out of an elevator into a hallway that was thickly carpeted. There were two guards stationed outside the elevator. They briefly tensed as the pair exited, but they quickly relaxed and saluted Kaidan with the greeting, "Major."

Kaidan returned their salutes. "This is Captain Nicole Alenko, gentlemen." The two guards quickly saluted Shepard which she returned and greeted them with a smile. "She should be released from the hospital soon and she has full access," Kaidan informed them. The guards acknowledged the order and wished Shepard a speedy recovery.

As they left the elevator alcove Shepard noticed a nice door on the right with numbers on the wall beside it. Kaidan turned left into a small alcove that had an identical door with the number 1412. He locked the wheels and handed Shepard her cane.

"I thought you might like to walk inside," he said with a grin.

Shepard got out of the chair and used the cane to limp the couple of steps up to the door. Kaidan nodded at her and she thumbed the control. The door opened to a small foyer that opened to a large living room. Across the room were several floor-to-ceiling windows looking out on a balcony and over the bay.

"Welcome home, love," Kaidan whispered in her ear before kissing her temple.

Shepard hovered in the doorway and took a deep breath to get a hold of the emotions that threatened to overwhelm her. "This is ours?" she said quietly.

"Yeah," Kaidan said with pride. He took her elbow and led her into the apartment. "This is just loaner furniture from the Alliance. I thought we'd pick out furniture together."

Shepard slanted him a look over her shoulder and saw his brows furrow at the slight grin on her face. "You're assuming quite a lot, Major," she said teasingly.

"How's that?" Kaidan asked in confusion.

"I don't recall you asking me to marry you, nor do I remember giving you an answer. You told me to start considering marrying you on the day the war ended. That's not actually proposing." Shepard didn't have any doubt that he had asked her and she knew what her answer would be, but she enjoyed teasing him.

Kaidan blinked in surprise and Shepard had to work hard to keep from laughing at his expression. "You actually did say 'yes', Shepard," he said quietly.

It was Shepard's turn to be confused. "When?"

Kaidan seemed a little uncomfortable. "When you first woke up. You said 'yes'."

"Hmmm," Shepard considered this for a moment and then turned to him again. "I don't think that counts. Plus, you never actually proposed."

Kaidan stopped looking confused and gave her a cocky grin. "Let's go inside and maybe I'll rectify that later."

"Ohhh, I like the sound of that," Shepard said with a laugh and moved slowly into the apartment.

Once they were in the living room, which contained one couch and a coffee table, Shepard saw the dining area and kitchen to the right. Beyond the kitchen was a hallway with one door on the left and one door at the end.

Shepard looked around with a smile as Kaidan led her out to the balcony. The apartment had high ceilings and was bright and spacious. The balcony was beautiful and the late afternoon sun glinted on the water.

"Wow," Shepard whispered.

Kaidan gave her a quick kiss. "Dinner's ready. Are you hungry?"

Shepard smiled at him. "Starved," she purred and chuckled as he blushed.

She followed him inside to the small table in the dining area. Set out was steak, potatoes and corn. There were two candles on the table. "Kaidan," she breathed. "This is wonderful."

Kaidan helped her sit and they ate and talked about possible furniture for the apartment. Shepard felt like it was all a little surreal. She enjoyed the wonderful dinner and the thoughts about the apartment, but some piece inside her kept her from completely believing it would happen. She kept that niggle of fear buried deep and just enjoyed the moment.

Kaidan picked up their dishes and moved the candles to the living room. Shepard limped in with her cane and sat down on the couch. Kaidan looked at her for a moment with a grin pulling at his mouth. "Stay put, I'll be right back." Kaidan turned and headed for the hallway beyond the kitchen.

"What are you up to, Alenko?" Shepard called after him suspiciously.

"Be patient, Shepard, and you'll see," Kaidan called back to her without turning. He went into the door on the left, which Shepard assumed was the bedroom and emerged a minute later with one hand hidden behind his back.

Shepard craned her neck as he came and joined her on the couch, but he kept the item hidden. Kaidan sat there and looked at her with a grin, but he made no move to show the object.

"Well?" Shepard asked impatiently. "What's behind your back?"

"Guess," Kaidan said devilishly.

Shepard scowled at him. "A free pass for an ass kicking unless you show me now."

Kaidan laughed at her fierce expression. "You really need to learn to be patient, Shepard."

"Not tonight, Alenko," she responded quickly.

"Fine," Kaidan said without losing the smile. He brought his hand around and he was holding a small box wrapped in blue paper. "I know it's not actually until tomorrow…but, happy birthday, Emelia," he said brightly.

Shepard was frozen by surprise. She hadn't realized it was even close to her birthday and she never would have expected a present. Shepard was suddenly overcome with emotion, which was happening far too often lately for her comfort.

Kaidan sat holding the box out to her and his smile faltered when he saw her fighting back tears. "Em?" he said quietly. "Don't you want to open it?"

"I-" Shepard's voice cracked and she cleared her throat. "I didn't know it was my birthday and I – I wasn't expecting a present." She gave him a trembling smile, but didn't reach out for the box.

Kaidan looked down at the small box in confusion and then back at her. "It's not much really. Certainly not anything good enough to cause this reaction."

Shepard took a deep breath and reached out for the present. Kaidan placed it in her hands with a smile. Dr. Kallestri had told Shepard to be more open about her emotions and she didn't want Kaidan to misunderstand her reaction. She reverently turned the present over in her hands and spoke quietly. "I haven't received a present since…Mindoir," she finished lamely.

Kaidan leaned over and gave her a hug. "That changes starting now," he whispered in her ear. "Open it," he coaxed as he sat back and watched her with a little half smile.

Shepard ran her finger over the paper reverently for a moment before finally starting to remove the paper. She was very carefully peeling the tape off one end when an exasperated sigh from Kaidan made her look up.

"You know you can just rip the paper, right?" he said impatiently.

"You said I needed to learn patience," Shepard smirked at him.

"Now's not the time, Shepard," Kaidan said reproachfully. "Open the damn present…Ma'am."

Shepard laughed and quickly finished peeling off the tape and removed the paper in one piece. She waved it at him in triumph before setting it down on the coffee table. She looked at the small white box and carefully opened it. Inside was a pendant. Shepard made a sound of surprise as she took in the beautiful piece of art. It was made of Black Hills gold, which was very hard to find anymore and was very expensive. It was a tree where the roots tangled together to form knotwork that ran around the piece and went into the branches at the top. "Oh, Kaidan," Shepard breathed as she turned the pendant in her hand.

"It's called the 'Tree of Life'," Kaidan explained in a whisper. "Never ending. It made me think of you. Of how much I love you."

"It's gorgeous, Kaidan," Shepard whispered and blinked rapidly a few times. "I love it…and you." Shepard leaned over and kissed Kaidan reverently. Kaidan wrapped his arms around her and the kiss quickly escalated to passionate.

Kaidan ended the kiss and pulled back slightly. He looked at Shepard lovingly as he gently stroked the side of her face. "Will you marry me, Em?" he whispered.

Shepard felt a tingle of elation run through her, but it was accompanied by a feeling of dread. She had a feeling that if she answered him out loud it would all fall apart. Instead she carefully put the pendant back in the box and set the box on the table. Turning back to Kaidan she ran a hand around the back of his neck and pulled him back in for a deep, passionate kiss.

Kaidan eagerly returned the kiss and put a hand in her short hair. Shepard slid her hand down his chest and was thrilled when she felt him shudder with a silent groan of desire. Her hand moved to the waistband of his pants and began to undo the clasp.

Kaidan pulled back and his hand grabbed hers, stopping her. "Em," he groaned. "We can't…not yet. The doctors –"

Shepard squeezed his hand in desperation as she interrupted him. "are not here and I need this, Kaidan. I trust you. You won't hurt me." She sucked in a deep breath and sighed, looking at him earnestly. "I'm tired of feeling broken. I just want to feel…normal. Kaidan," she said sadly.

Kaidan looked at her longingly as he placed a hand on her cheek. Shepard nestled her head against his hand as she closed her eyes.

Kaidan leaned forward and gave her a lingering, gentle kiss. Shepard knew he was warring with his desire and his concern for her. Kaidan ended the kiss but kept his face close to hers as he stood. With swift grace he picked her up and held her close to him as he strode to the bedroom.

* * *

Shepard felt Kaidan get out of bed, but she was still wonderfully worn out from their lovemaking and didn't open her eyes. She was almost back asleep when she heard Kaidan speaking in the hallway.

"…everything's fine." There was a pause as the other person spoke, but Shepard couldn't make out what was said. "Karin, she needs this. We need this." Kaidan continued softly. "I'll have her back in the morning."

Kaidan returned to the bed and pulled Shepard to him, wrapping his arms around her tightly. Shepard sighed in contentment and started drifting off again as she felt Kaidan kiss the top of her head.

Shepard stood next to Kaidan, both in their Dress Blues. Their friends from the Normandy were gathered around and Admiral Hackett stood smiling next to Kaidan. Shepard felt the reassuring presence of Admiral Anderson next to her. She smiled at Kaidan and he beamed back at her, his brown eyes full of love.

The preacher began speaking and Shepard suddenly felt her legs tremble. She leaned heavily on the cane that suddenly was in her hand.

"You should have listened when you had the chance, Shepard," the preacher said and Shepard looked up to find the Illusive Man standing there. "Now you'll lose it all."

"No!" Shepard yelled, but it was a silent hiss of sound. She felt her feet start to leave the floor. In a panic she looked up and saw the emptiness of space above her. She turned terrified eyes to Kaidan only to see him looking at her in disdain.

She floated weightlessly up into the black of space as she reached for Kaidan. He stood unmoving and glared at her with the same contempt he'd shown on Horizon.

Shepard woke with alarm and it took a second for her to register Kaidan sleeping next to her. She was stiff with fear as the nightmare faded, but she made no noise or move for several long moments. Finally free of the effects of the nightmare she snuggled closer to Kaidan. The nightmare was gone, but the fear remained. She knew it was stupid and she tried to ignore it, but deep down the fear laughed at her and told her she would lose it all.

Kaidan turned and pulled her against him. "G'mornin'," he whispered sleepily.

"Mmmm," Shepard replied as she buried her face against his chest. Kaidan's hand ran up and down her back idly and she soaked in the feel and smell of him.

They lay like that for several long minutes before Kaidan finally kissed her head and pulled back. "Time for us to get moving," he said reluctantly. "I need to get you back and I've got work to do."

"No," Shepard mumbled and tried to pull him back to her.

Kaidan chuckled and lifted her chin so he could kiss her. "We both need a shower," he said as he kissed her nose.

"Mmm, shower…together," Shepard said seductively as she looked up at him. She batted her eyelashes and he laughed.

"Minx," he said as he got out of bed. He looked down at her as she stretched. "How you feeling?"

Shepard looked up at him and saw the concern in his eyes. "A little stiff," she said casually.

Kaidan's brows knitted as his concern deepened. Shepard sat up in the bed and stretched again. "It's not as bad as physical therapy, Kaidan. Don't be so worried. I'm fine," she gave him a big smile. "I'm feeling very, very good."

Kaidan grinned at her and pulled her up to stand next to him. "Yes, you are," he growled as he nuzzled her neck.

"Did you mention a shower?" she asked innocently and was rewarded with a chuckle.

They took their time and enjoyed each other again in the shower. When they finally dried off Shepard started to pick up her clothes from the night before.

"Traynor gave me some clothes she picked up for you," Kaidan said and indicated the closet.

"Really?" Shepard asked in surprise as she went over to look at them. She chose a long burgundy skirt and loose linen shirt. After she was dressed and pulled on a pair of black boots she went out to the kitchen to find Kaidan setting out breakfast.

"You're going to spoil me," she said absently as she dug into the oatmeal.

"And I'm going to enjoy it," he responded as he ate his own bowl.

They finished eating and cleaned up. Shepard went to the living room and put the box with the pendant in her skirt pocket. She felt a tickle of fear as a hint of the nightmare came back to her. _You will lose it all._

"So," Kaidan said from the kitchen as he finished up. "What kind of wedding do you want?"

The casual question caught Shepard off guard. She looked down at the cane gripped tightly in her hand as she tried to fight back the fear that welled up.

"Em?" Kaidan said in a tight voice.

Shepard looked up and saw him standing in the kitchen doorway watching her reaction. His face was set in concern. Shepard tried to give him a smile, but his brows just furrowed more.

"Let's wait and see what happens before we start making plans," she said in what she hoped was an easy tone.

"What?" Kaidan asked and moved into the living room.

"Kaidan," Shepard said in a placating tone.

"Em," Kaidan said in a low tone. "You never answered me last night. Will you marry me?" He stalked a couple steps further into the living room.

"I love you," Shepard forced a light tone to her voice. She really didn't want to have this conversation after such an exquisite night.

"I know that, but you didn't answer me," Kaidan said as he stared at her.

"You know the answer, Kaidan." Shepard tried to keep her voice even.

"I thought I did, but I want to hear you say it."

Shepard tried to swallow the lump in her throat. She wanted to say 'yes', but couldn't bring herself to do it. "I think it's a little early to make plans."

"Early?" Kaidan said in surprise. "Just how much longer are we going to wait to get married?"

"We, uh, should wait and see what happens," her voice trailed off.

"What do you mean 'what happens'?" Kaidan said in a tight voice. "What the hell could 'happen' that would have any bearing on us getting married?"

Shepard felt like her stomach had dropped through the floor. "I don't know," she said defiantly. She was messing everything up, but couldn't seem to help it. The fear was starting to overwhelm her. "I don't know if I should stay in the military. I don't know if I'll ever get off this cane. The relays could be fixed," she said in a rush.

"And that matters how? How!" Kaidan yelled and moved to the other side of the couch.

Shepard couldn't stand the look of hurt and anger on his face and looked down at the floor.

"What the hell is going on with you, Em? Just tell me you'll marry me," Kaidan said angrily, but he managed not to yell.

"And is this how'll it be when we're married?" She hissed at him. She wondered where her sudden anger had come from. Just an hour ago they were making love in the shower and now they were yelling at each other.

"Is what how'll it be?" Kaidan asked mirroring her tone of scorn. "I thought we were doing pretty damn good."

"I can't even stand without this damn stick holding me up! I used to run a mile in 4:45 and now I can't _walk_ a hundred yards without sitting down!" She stared defiantly at him.

"You have a small fist worth of muscle missing from your left thigh, Em! The doctors didn't think you'd ever walk again. You've achieved the impossible. Again. Isn't that good enough?"

"And you're okay with this?" she spat as she indicated the cane. "With following me around treating me like a china doll that'll break at any moment? Cause I'm damn tired of it!"

"I'm trying to protect you from yourself! Give up trying to be Commander FUCKING Shepard and realize you have limitations! Ask for help when you goddamn need it!"

They stood there for a long moment staring at each other with blazing eyes. Kaidan turned toward the door. "Fine. I have to get to work. I know you can get back to the hospital wing," he flung at her and left without waiting for her reply.

Shepard stood there for a moment more her breath coming in little gasps from the emotion. She realized her thigh was killing her and plopped morosely on the couch. She looked around the apartment and felt a longing come over her. She wanted to pick out furniture with Kaidan. She wanted to live here. "What the hell is wrong with you?" she asked herself scornfully.

She closed her eyes and leaned back against the couch. She wanted to be with Kaidan, but when she imagined it she was whole and healthy. She didn't feel like herself in her current state. Her body was a stranger and she didn't know how to deal with it. She didn't want to be saddled with these new limitations, so how could she expect Kaidan to do it. She didn't want to lose him.

With a heavy sigh Shepard realized that Kaidan wasn't going to return and she would need to get herself back to her hospital room. "I'll show him that I CAN do it," she muttered defiantly to the room and heaved herself to her feet.

Outside the apartment Shepard looked at the wheelchair and wondered briefly if she should try to wheel herself back. With a parting look of distain at the wheelchair she walked toward the elevators.

"Good morning, Ma'am," one of the guards greeted her and they both saluted.

Shepard had to switch the cane to her left hand, but returned their salute with a quiet greeting.

"Do you need any assistance, Ma'am?" the guard asked gently.

It made Shepard want to grind her teeth, but she managed to keep a pleasant expression on her face. "No thank you, Sergeant. I'll be fine." She noticed the look that passed between the guards as she entered the elevator and realized Kaidan must have asked them to help her.

"Bite me, Alenko," she whispered after the doors had closed. "I'll be the judge of when I need help, not you."

* * *

**A/N: Sorry for the extra long delay in getting this published. I was having some difficulty with it and then had to go home for a funeral. It's taken me some time to get back in the groove.**

**Thanks again to everyone who has reviewed and added this story to their favorites and alerts. It really does help keep me motivated to know others are enjoying the story.**

**As always I appreciate your thoughts on what I've written and any corrections that might make it better.**

**P.S.: I'm hoping the Extended cut DLC will make the ending a little more palatable. I still hate the star-child, though, and don't know if I can stand him even long enough to get to the added content.**


	11. Chapter 11

**Chapter 11: On That Day…**

Shepard was barely halfway back to her room when she started regretting trying to walk back. Her thigh throbbed painfully and she was panting as if she had run a marathon. Each time she set the cane down her arm trembled with fatigue. She was no longer even trying to look like she was walking, she shuffled painfully and exhausted.

Shepard finally turned the corner to the hallway that led to her hospital wing. She hissed as her thigh went from throbbing to excruciating pain. _"It's no more than you deserve,"_ she told herself miserably as she forced herself to keep going. _"You picked the fight and_ _this is what you get for your stupidity."_

"Shepard," Shepard looked up in startled alarm and saw Chakwas standing in the hall with a wheelchair. "Sit down before you fall down," Chakwas indicated the wheelchair.

Shepard looked down the hallway and set her mouth in a grim line. She had made it all this way and her room was only a hundred yards further. "No," Shepard grunted.

"Shepard," Chakwas started in a placating tone.

"No! I can make it," Shepard gasped stubbornly and started shuffling down the hallway.

Chakwas made a sound like she was about to argue further, but in the end she simply came to Shepard's side and walked with her.

Shepard was practically in tears from pain and fatigue when she finally made it to her room. Chakwas put an arm around her and helped Shepard to the bed. Shepard flopped gratefully into it and tried to catch her breath.

"Did you walk all the way from the apartment?" Chakwas asked as she moved to fill a syringe with painkillers. "You could've done permanent damage to your thigh. Where's Kaidan?"

Shepard successfully suppressed the tears that threatened to come out at the mention of Kaidan. "We…had a fight," she said quietly between pants.

"Oh," Chakwas said quietly and injected the painkillers. "Close your eyes and let the medicine do its job," She told Shepard as she removed her boots.

Shepard nodded and gratefully closed her eyes. She was asleep as soon as the pain started to recede.

* * *

Shepard woke to Dr. Chakwas gently shaking her. "Commander," Chakwas said gently. "It's nearly four o'clock. You might want to wake up for dinner."

"Hmmm," Shepard said sleepily as she rubbed her eyes. "What's for dinner?"

"Well, a few of us thought we'd take you down for a special birthday dinner in the cafeteria," Chakwas said with a smile. "You have a couple of hours to get ready."

Shepard gave her friend a smile. "That sounds nice," she said as she glanced over at the cot Kaidan had been using. "Has Kaidan been by?" Shepard asked quietly.

"No, but I expect he'll be at the dinner," Chakwas said as she patted Shepard's arm.

Shepard didn't respond as Chakwas left and she got out of bed. She pulled the box with the pendant out of her skirt pocket and took it out, rubbing it thoughtfully between her fingers. She hoped Kaidan would be there. She felt a flutter of fear at the thought that maybe she had ruined everything for good and he wouldn't come back.

Forcing herself to put those thoughts away she carefully put the pendant on her dog tag chain and limped in to take a shower.

Once she was clean and dressed, Shepard sat in front of the window and waited for dinner. She was more than a little concerned that Kaidan hadn't returned from work yet. It was 1700 already and he was rarely that late in coming back. She thought about calling him, but wasn't sure if she should.

She was startled by her omni-tool beeping with an incoming call. With a mixture of excitement and dread she answered and saw Kaidan's face appear in the vid. He looked tired and stressed and Shepard felt fear grip her stomach.

"Hey, Shepard," Kaidan said quietly.

"Kaidan," she said in a near whisper. "I was getting worried. Are you working late?"

"I, uh," Kaidan rubbed the back of his neck in agitation. "I'm in B.C. My mom collapsed today," he said quietly.

"Oh! Kaidan, is she alright?" Shepard asked in genuine concern.

"Yeah. She will be. The doctors said it was stress and exhaustion. They're keeping her in the hospital for a couple of days," Kaidan said tiredly.

"That's good," Shepard said as she looked at the worry lines creasing Kaidan's face. "It's good that you're able to be there for her."

"Yeah. Uh, look…I'm…" Kaidan started.

"Alenko, don't you dare apologize before I can," Shepard said in a commanding tone. Her voice softened as she continued. "I'm really sorry about this morning. You've been so wonderful. I…I really didn't mean to blow up at you," she finished quietly. "You don't deserve it after all you've done for me."

Kaidan gave her a small grin. "I understand," he said. Shepard grunted and he quickly continued. "No, really. I do understand, Shepard. You're dealing with so much frustration I can't believe you don't dent the walls daily. I shouldn't have left you to get back alone, though."

"Actually, I think it did me good. I'm sore as hell and only have my own stubbornness to blame. But I made it," Shepard said with a mixture of self loathing and pride.

"Em, you didn't walk all the way back?" Kaidan exclaimed worriedly.

"Of course I did," Shepard said tersely. "Although, it didn't resemble anything close to walking by the end." Kaidan gaped at her and she continued. "I know I shouldn't have pushed myself that much; and believe me, Chakwas gave me hell, but I needed it. I needed the chance to do something entirely on my own. I know my limits now and what I need to work on. Despite the physical pain I actually feel a little better."

Kaidan was quiet a moment as he looked at her through the video. "I'm sorry I pushed you so hard this morning, Em. I just want to be with you – married or not, it doesn't matter. If you don't want to get married, that's fine. Just tell me you still want to be with me."

Shepard gave a surprised grunt of laughter. Here she had been terrified that she had chased him away and he was asking for confirmation of her feelings. "Of course I want to be with you," she said with conviction. "And I want to marry you, but…" She paused to try and figure out how to express the jumble of emotions that ate at her. "I think I need to know where I stand first."

Kaidan looked at her in confusion and Shepard ran an exasperated hand over her face. "I don't know how to explain it. Everything feels so…unknown, I guess, right now. I don't know if I'm going to stay in the military. I don't know what I'll do if I don't. I don't know if my leg will get any better," She looked at Kaidan and knew from his expression he could see all her doubt. "I need to know who I am before I can marry you."

Kaidan watched her quietly for a long moment. "I can understand that," he said softly.

Shepard gave a sigh of relief. "Kaidan," she said hesitantly. "Do you think I should take the promotion?"

"Shepard, I can't decide that for you," Kaidan said in a startled voice. "And I won't. That's your decision to make."

"I'm not asking you to make the decision for me," Shepard said quickly. "I wouldn't let you, but I want to know what you think. What do you want? For me? For us?"

Kaidan looked down for a moment and considered his words carefully. "I want to be with you. Truthfully that's all I want, silly as it sounds. I want you to be happy…comfortable with yourself again. Confident, I guess," he looked up at her. "You've lost that, Em."

"Yeah," Shepard said quietly.

"I know you'll get back to the confident, brash, stubborn woman I love. I have no doubts about that. But, would you be happy…feel useful if you retire? I think you'd go stir crazy with nothing to do."

"Oh, trust me. If I retire I'll find some way to occupy myself and keep life interesting," Shepard said with a confident smile.

"Okay, that's not a scary thought at all," Kaidan's voice dripped sarcasm as he laughed.

Shepard laughed with him and damn it felt good. "What effect will it have on us if I take the promotion?"

"Honestly, I'll love you and stay beside you no matter what you chose. HQ already knows about us and they'll assign us accordingly. We could be stationed together as long as you aren't my rater," Kaidan gave a soft sigh. "Shepard, this decision has to be about you and what you want. Active duty or retired, it won't change what's between us."

Shepard gave him a big smile. "Thanks. That's what I needed to hear."

"So what are you going to do?" Kaidan asked earnestly.

"I don't know yet," Shepard answered honestly. "I guess I was a little worried about my decision – whatever it turns out to be – bothering you."

They were both quiet for a long moment. "So…how's B.C? Is it as bad as Vancouver?" Shepard asked quietly.

"Actually, no," Kaidan said softly. "My cousin's orchard is in bloom right now. It's gorgeous, Em. I'll send you some pictures." His face grew pensive. "It's so peaceful here. You can almost forget the Reapers where ever here. I don't understand why mom…"

"I do," Shepard said softly and Kaidan looked at her in confusion. "It's hard to be in a peaceful, relaxing atmosphere when you know how bad it is out there." Her voice caught slightly. "When you think of all the people who were lost, all who are struggling now. It makes you feel horrible not doing something to help."

Kaidan looked at her with wide eyes. "I…I didn't realize," his voice faded as he thought about what she'd said. "Dad's been listed as 'presumed dead'."

"I'm so sorry, Kaidan," Shepard moaned. She wished he was with her so she could touch him and take away some of the pain she saw in his eyes. "That must be so hard on your mom."

"Yeah," Kaidan whispered. "I miss you, Em."

"I miss you, too," Shepard whispered. "But it's good that you're there. Take a few days and just relax, be with your mom and family. You've earned a break from taking care of me."

"Shepard," Kaidan said in a chiding tone.

"Kaidan, truly. You've worked so hard to help keep me going, plus your assignments. You're exhausted and I can see it. I think I need a few days, too. I need to try to rely on myself…see if I can do it." Shepard shrugged in exasperation. "Does that make any sense?"

"Yeah. I think I get it," He gave her a sad smile. "I love you and I'll be back in a few days."

"I love you, too," Shepard smiled at him. "Give my best to your mother."

Shepard sighed and looked back out the window after Kaidan signed off. She felt a mixture of happiness, hope and trepidation for their future. She couldn't quite decide which emotion had the upper hand.

* * *

Shepard was lost in thought as she stared out the window when she suddenly felt a heavy hand land on her shoulder. Shepard leapt out of her seat and spun in one movement, her right fist solidly connecting with her attacker's face.

"OW! Hey!"

"Shepard! It's us!"

Shepard stood in a fighting stance and blinked at the two men. "James? Joker?" she huffed as she tried to get her breathing back to normal. "What the fuck…? Why'd you sneak up on me like that?" She made her fists unclench and ordered her arms to lower to her sides. It was difficult to release the fear even after realizing she wasn't being attacked.

"We said hello when we came in, Shepard," Joker said warily as James gingerly touched his jaw.

"Nice shot, Lola," James said as he gave her a grin, then grimaced at the pain it caused.

"Sorry," Shepard mumbled as she picked up her cane from the side of her chair. "You scared the hell out of me."

"We thought we'd take you down to dinner," Joker said easily, but he watched her with concerned eyes.

"I think we'd better get going," Chakwas said from the door as she entered with a wheelchair. "We can't have the Commander be late for her own shindig."

Shepard looked at the wheelchair with irritation, but after her long walk that morning she knew she wasn't up to walking. She blew out a frustrated sigh and sat in the wheelchair.

The four of them talked as they went down to the cafeteria and James pushed her to a back room. Shepard was greeted with a chorus of "Hey, Shepard" and was surprised to see so many of her friends in the room. Engineer Adams, Donnelly and Daniels, Traynor, several crew members from the CIC, Dr. Patel and a couple of her nurses, even the annoyingly happy orderly were there.

"Happy birthday, Shepard," a soft voice said from Shepard's left.

Shepard turned and gaped in surprise. "Miranda!" Shepard gave the woman a big smile. "It's good to see you."

Miranda smiled back. "It's good to see you, too, Shepard."

"Are you ready to take your seat, Commander?" Liara said as she stepped around Miranda.

"Liara! I thought you were out working on the relay," Shepard said as she gripped the hand Liara put out to her.

"I took some leave," Liara said with a small smile.

They got Shepard settled at the middle of the long table and then everyone seemed to look around in confusion.

"Kaidan's with his mother," Shepard said into the quiet room. She swore she could feel a collective sigh from the group as they all started chatting and getting their food.

Chakwas put a huge plate in front of Shepard and James set a large glass in front of her. The large man gave her a smirk. "Tea, only. They wouldn't allow alcohol."

Shepard's reply was interrupted by Admiral Hackett entering the room. Shepard sat up straight and saluted him. "Admiral," she said with a smile. "I'm glad you could come."

"At ease, Commander," Hackett said with a smile. "I wouldn't miss it."

Dinner was a noisy, laughter filled affair. The food was the typical buffet finger food, but the company made up it. Shepard happily joined in with stories and laughter.

There was a huge chocolate cake that everyone happily dug into. Someone put on some music and the people began to stand in clumps talking and laughing. Everyone at some point ended up around where Shepard sat and talked for a while before moving off to another group.

The atmosphere was happy and Shepard looked around at all her friends talking among themselves with a feeling of pride. Contentment. She realized with surprise that she felt truly content for the first time in…well, a very long time.

"Shepard," Liara's said softly as she sat next to Emelia. Everyone else was occupied and it was just the two of them. "I'm glad you're enjoying yourself."

Shepard grinned at the Asari. "I really am, Liara." The grin faded a little. "Although I miss…the ones who aren't here." Shepard swallowed the sudden lump in her throat as she thought about Garrus and Anderson.

Liara placed a hand over Shepard's. "I know," she whispered. Liara cleared her throat and looked at Shepard. "I have something for you," she said and pulled an item out of a small bag at her feet before handing it to Shepard.

Shepard looked at the palm-sized red rock and turned it around in her hands. "Tali," Shepard whispered sadly.

"She gave that to me before she left and said she wanted you to have it when you woke up," Liara explained quietly. "She never doubted that you would recover."

Shepard sighed as she stroked the rock she had handed to Tali when they were on Rannock. "I hope they make it home," Shepard said quietly. "They deserve the chance to experience their future."

They sat silently for several long minutes before Liara spoke. "What about your future, Shepard?"

Shepard gave a small, humorless laugh. "I have no idea, Liara. I'm stuck in limbo right now."

"I thought you would stay in the military and take the promotion Hackett offered you," Liara said in surprise.

"I'm not sure I'd be a very good leader with this," Shepard said bitterly as she indicated her left leg.

"You are an exceptional leader, Shepard. Your leg doesn't change that," Liara said dismissively.

"Right. We would've been just fine against Saren if I'd been in this condition," Shepard growled.

"Shepard, you're missing a very important point," Liara said in a tone laced with iron and Shepard looked at her in surprise. "I'm not talking about your leadership on the battlefield. Our successes there were the product of your influence throughout the mission."

Shepard blinked at the Asari in confusion. "I always had a plan, but you saw how well that worked out. Nothing ever goes according to plan. We always ended up adjusting on the battlefield."

"Shepard," Liara said with exasperation and turned to more fully face Shepard. "When we were chasing Saren you took a crew of raw, disjointed aliens and made us a team. You did the same with the Cerberus crew. You started out with a group of mercenaries, psychopaths and lone wolves and you turned them into a cohesive unit. You brought warring races together to fight the Reapers.

"The most effective leading you did took place on the ship. In the training, understanding and empathy you gave _everyone_ in the crew. The power of your conviction that the impossible could be done and that each individual was capable of making it happen; that is what makes everyone who meets you willing to do more than they every thought they could."

Liara took a deep breath and squeezed Shepard's hands. "You don't need to run down the battlefield. You lead by giving those around you direction. By teaching them to use not only their own strengths, but the strengths of those around them. That is leadership. You build trust and that makes them able to fight on the battlefield."

Shepard was struck speechless. She realized that she had heard all of this before. From Chakwas. From Kaidan. From Hackett and even her therapist. All of them had tried to tell her the same thing and all it did was make her feel angry and weak. Liara's words, though, somehow rang true. Shepard suddenly felt stronger…capable.

Shepard blinked back tears as she looked at Liara in admiration. "Thanks," she said shakily. She shook her head as that was so inadequate for what she was feeling.

"My pleasure," Liara said with a smile. "You can do anything, Shepard. Never doubt that." With a final pat of Shepard's hands the Asari got up and moved away.

Shepard didn't have any more time to mull over Liara's words as people starting coming up to say good night. She whole-heartedly thanked each of them and shared promises to keep in touch.

"This was an incredible evening," Shepard said happily when it was down to just her, James and Joker. "Thank you, guys."

"It was Kaidan's idea, actually," Joker said with a scowl that Shepard didn't believe for a second.

"Yeah, but since he's not here we'll accept the credit," James said with a laugh. "Although, it would've been better with tequila."

Shepard looked at James and a huge smile broke out on her face. She felt energized and had no desire to go back to the bland hospital room. "You're absolutely right, James," she said thoughtfully.

"I don't like that smile, Shepard," Joker said in a voice laced with trepidation.

"I'm going out to have a drink and I do recall you saying you'd buy the next round, Vega."

"You can't go out for a drink, Shepard. You haven't been released from the hospital," James reminded her with a scowl.

"I've heard there's an excellent little bar in Rio," Shepard said as she completely ignored James' warning.

"Rio?" Joker practically choked as he said it. "How the hell do you expect to get to Rio?"

"I don't know," Shepard hedged as she gave him a sidelong look. "I'm sitting here with the best pilot in the Alliance and the biggest jarhead in the galaxy. I think we can come up with something."

"Rio?" Joker's voice cracked as he went up an octave.

"Yeah," James drawled as a slow smile drew over his face. "Rio. C'mon, compadre, we owe the Commander some R&R."

"Don't worry, Joker," Shepard said in a condescending tone. "If you're uncomfortable with breaking the rules James and I will find our own way."

"Ah, shit," Joker muttered. "You win, Shepard. I can get us a shuttle in ten minutes."

Shepard broke into a full smile and stood up. "What are we waiting for?"

* * *

**A/N: Enough with the angst. It's time for a little fun.**

**Thank you again for all the reviews, favs and alerts. I really appreciate them! Please keep them coming!**

**I originally had expected this story to be about 6 chapters long, but the characters keep coming up with new things I have to write about. The next chapter I had no idea was coming until I wrote this one.**

**The next chapter should be up this weekend.**


	12. Chapter 12

**Chapter 12 On That Day…**

Shepard, Joker and Vega were escorted – non too gently – into the hospital commander's office. The trio managed to stay upright, mostly, unless you count swaying.

A dark skinned man with Admiral's bars paced back and forth in front of them with a look of pure fury. Shepard barely managed to suppress a giggle as she realized he was trying to act like a drill sergeant instead of a doctor. She also realized that she was still pretty well lit and had better tread carefully.

The officer squinted at the data pad he held and scrolled down – a very long way. "I'm not even sure where to start on this list of charges," the man droned in a furious tone.

"It's always best to start at the beginning, Sir," Shepard supplied helpfully and turned her laugh into a cough as the two men flanking her each punched her in the shoulder.

"Fine. Absent without Leave. Theft of Alliance equipment. More assault and battery charges than I thought I'd ever _SEE_ on one report." The Admiral thumbed through the data pad some more. "Just how many bars did you three go to?" he asked in exasperation.

"The shuttle's Normandy's and I'm still her pilot!" Joker stuttered indignantly.

"For now. But you're looking at Failure to Report, Lieutenant Moreau."

"The Normandy's not scheduled to go anywhere until tomorrow."

"Actually that was yesterday and you weren't there. But I wasn't talking about the shuttle; I was talking about the Mako. And the horses."

"_Mi culpa_, sir."

"Really?" the doctor turned to Vega.

"Yes, sir! See, there's this great little restaurant in Nogales and-"

"So you landed your shuttle – without authorization – at the High Desert Testing Area-"

"I was trying to get clearance but they were shooting at us!"

"Flight Lieutenant Moreau performed admi-"

"But in the stables? Of the – what's it called – Historical Reenactment Platoon?"

"The shuttle's lifters had been damaged. Safety first, sir."

"And we didn't scare the horses. Too badly."

"Yeah, and turns out Sh-, uh, the Captain drives a horse better than she drives a Mako!"

"About that…. Operating Alliance equipment without certification."

"We need to be checked out on horses?"

"I was talking about the Mako."

"You know, that explains a lot, Commander."

"Hey, we're alive aren't we?"

"Debatably."

"You're lucky to be alive."

"I thought that would work."

"I told you it wouldn't."

"Destruction of Alliance property. Damage to a protected riparian area. Fishing without a license.

"Look, I was full of burrito-"

"And _cervezas_-"

"-and the lake was in the way."

"And then I showed her this old vid-"

"Mako's don't skip-"

"I told you it felt heavy on the front end!"

"Says the woman who can't keep one upright on a paved road!"

"Destruction of private property."

"He was in a no parking zone!"

"And so's the Mako!"

"At least I didn't leave it _in_ the lake!"

"Assault and battery, destruction of property-"

"_A perra estupida_ kept bouncing on Joker's lap. I'd warned her three times about that."

"She was trying to give me a lap dance."

"She could have broken your pelvis!"

"Yeah, but in a good way!"

"…"

"I was talking about the incident in Rio. At the…_Paraiso Teatro_."

"Nice job on the inflection."

"Not my fault. Joker took us there."

"Oh, sure, blame me, Commander."

"Hey, those cheeseburgers were awful!"

"Then why did you eat four of them?"

"I kept hoping the next one would be better."

"Theft…."

"Those cheeseburgers _were_ awful!"

"But we left the waiter a great tip. The burgers weren't his fault and we were being jerks anyway."

"Assaulting the cook is not 'being a jerk'!"

"No one should be rewarded for making cheeseburgers that bad."

"Seriously, how can you screw up a cheeseburger like that?"

"Gardner made better cheeseburgers and he didn't even have cow! Or cheese!"

"Slander."

"Free speech. Seriously, _hombre,_ those were some burgers _muy malos_."

"Incitement to riot."

"They're krogan; when are they not ready to riot?"

"That's…actually a good point."

"Besides, the stupid lizards _liked_ the cheeseburgers."

"Operating without a flight plan."

"I filed a flight plan!"

"So you did. Hmm. Okay, never mind that. Transporting unauthorized personnel."

"They were hungry and wanted a burrito."

"You couldn't get a burrito in Rio?"

"Well, probably, but this place makes the best. You see they-"

"Wait a minute. When did we have extra bodies on board?" Shepard asked in confusion.

"That was when you were passed out."

"Was this before or after you held a parade without a permit?" the Admiral asked the group.

"Uh, after, I think."

"We had a parade?"

"Not really. You'd passed out so we put you on a stretcher and…."

"Paraded you through downtown Rio."

"And the krogan ate it up! I mean, we should get credit for stopping the riot with that idea."

Shepard couldn't take it any more and collapsed giggling into a chair. "We should've tried that with the Reapers."

"Captain!" The Admiral snapped at Shepard. "I am not finished and you will display proper military bearing!"

"Uh, hehe, right. Uh," Shepard tried to get her giggling under control. She squinted up at the Admiral. "Who are you again?"

Joker and James lost it at this point and fell against each other in helpless laughter.

"Look…Admiral," Shepard said as she looked up at him. "I'm tired, I'm sobering up and I'm no longer in the mood for this. Thanks for the pep talk, but I'm going back to my room now." Shepard rose from the chair and James and Joker fell in behind her, still giggling.

"I will have you Court Martialed! Get back here until I dismiss you!" The Admiral sputtered in outrage.

Shepard spun around and pinned the Admiral with a glare. "I think –"

Admiral Hackett entered the room with Doctor Chakwas and an aid behind him. "I'll take over here Captain. Doctor, please escort Captain Alenko her room. Robinson, please take the Lieutenants to visitors quarters."

"Sir!" The hospital commander swiftly saluted the senior Admiral.

Hackett looked at the lower Admiral for a moment before returning the salute. "Thank you for your assistance, Oliver, but Captain Alenko and her crew will be handled by my people for these infractions."

* * *

Dr. Patel had wrapped Shepard's thigh and gave her a lecture on her limitations. Shepard stoically listened to him as she waited for the pain killers to kick in. Despite the pain she felt invigorated. She still felt the thrum of adrenaline from the alcohol and all of the excitement from the last two days.

Dr. Patel left and Chakwas came forward to check the wrap and put an ice pack on Shepard's thigh. "Really, Commander," Chakwas said in her trademark lecturing tone.

Shepard sighed and kept her gaze on the window. She knew there was no way to stop Chakwas from lecturing her like an errant child. Shepard knew she deserved it, but didn't care. She had proven useful in the fight and no amount of lecturing would diminish the satisfaction she felt.

"Sneaking out of the hospital, going to a bunch of bars," Chakwas continued indignantly. "Getting into barfights! You've set your physical therapy back by weeks and you could have done more damage."

Shepard sighed, but didn't look at the doctor.

"It's about time you starting acting like yourself, Shepard. I was getting worried," Chakwas finished in a softer tone.

Shepard turned to the doctor in surprise. "Doctor?"

Chakwas smiled and leaned back slightly on the stool. "I expected you to do something like this weeks ago. Commander Shepard – the one I know – is always pushing the limits. It's good to have you back."

Shepard smiled slightly. "I'm not all the way there, Karin, but it feels good. I thought I'd never…" Shepard trailed off. The doctor was a good friend, but Shepard was still unwilling to give her a glimpse at the dark hole of self-doubt Shepard had been trapped in since she awoke.

Chakwas patted Shepard's arm. "I know, Emelia," she said softly and left the room.

Shepard let out a shaky sigh. Doctor Chakwas' use of her first name caused a surge of emotion in her and she was glad the doctor had left before Shepard revealed it.

* * *

**A/N: Thanks to my husband for taking my ideas on what happened in Rio and adding in Nogales. He was giving me a beta read on this chapter and wrote down the section with the charges in response to the notes I had in that section. What he wrote was so hilarious I just had to use it.**


	13. Chapter 13

Chapter 13: On That Day…

Shepard awoke to soft kisses on her nose, cheeks and lips.

"Hmmm," she said as she cracked her eyes open and saw Kaidan leaning over her. She reached up and pulled him down for a long kiss.

"Good morning," he murmured when the kiss ended.

Shepard scooted over on the hospital bed and patted the sheets next to her. With a smile Kaidan joined her and she placed her head on his shoulder as he wrapped his arms around her.

"Did you enjoy your two-day rebellion?" Kaidan asked with a small chuckle.

"Yeah," she grinned as she nestled her head against him.

"You know I was worried sick when Chakwas called and told me you were missing," Kaidan said as he kissed the top of her head.

"Sorry," she murmured.

"Forgiven," he whispered as he squeezed her tightly.

"How's your mom?"

"Better. She's staying at our apartment while we find her a place to live. She wanted to come back to Vancouver. I thought I'd bring her by here for dinner tonight, if you're up for it."

"That'd be nice. I'd like to meet her," Shepard said happily.

"She's dying to meet you. She says it's way past time for me to settle down," Kaidan said with a chuckle.

A thought hit Shepard and she leaned back to look at Kaidan. "Kaidan, does she know I can't have children?" she asked worriedly.

"I told her," Kaidan whispered.

Shepard swallowed a sudden lump of fear from her throat. "We've never talked about it. Are you okay with it?"

Kaidan kissed her softly. "I'd love to make babies with you, Shepard, but having a child with everything so broken out there. I don't know, it wouldn't seem like the best thing to do. Besides there are so many children who lost their families…I guess I just thought that if we come to a time when we really want children we could adopt."

Shepard put her head back on Kaidan's shoulder and thought about it for a while. "Yes. I like that."

"I can't wait for you to get out of here, Shepard. Only a couple more weeks."

"Finally," Shepard breathed on a sigh.

Kaidan leaned over her and kissed her deeply. "I need to get back. I'm showing mom some apartments today."

"Have fun," Shepard said and kissed him back. "See you tonight."

* * *

Shepard sat in her room looking at a data pad when she heard the door open. Admiral Hackett strode in and Shepard sat upright and saluted him.

"Admiral Hackett," she said warmly.

Hackett regarded her down his sharp nose. "I'm pretty sure that any Marine capable of this list of offenses is damn capable of _standing up_ and rendering a proper salute."

Shepard frowned at the angry timber of his voice and levered herself up with her cane. She snapped ram-rod straight and saluted. "Admiral Hackett, sir," she said crisply.

Hackett returned the salute and walked over to the window. He didn't release Shepard, so she relaxed her stance a bit but remained at attention.

"I've managed to make the charges go away," Hackett said sharply as he waved the data pad he held. "But, needless to say, I'm not very happy about having to do so. What the hell were you thinking, Shepard?"

Shepard kept her face neutral, but inside she cringed. She hated getting yelled at by her superiors and over the course of the war she had come to highly respect Hackett. She didn't like that she had disappointed him. "That I couldn't stand one more minute of sitting around this place feeling…broken," she told him honestly.

Hackett gave a deep sigh. "Have a seat, Shepard." Once Shepard was re-settled he continued. "I've been around long enough to know bad things happen when good Marines are cooped up too long."

"Sir," Shepard began hesitantly. "What about Lieutenants Moreau and Vega?"

"I've put them on extra duty for two weeks," Hackett replied. "Vega is working on stocking a supply warehouse and Joker's flying a shuttle with delegates to various meetings."

Shepard cringed inwardly. The idea of Joker's irritation at being relegated to a taxi driver was not pretty.

"Sir, it was my idea. They went along to keep an eye on me. I take full responsibility for what happened."

"Nice try, Commander, but I can tell from these charges that they fully enjoyed themselves," Hackett said sternly. "Their extra duty stands. The question is…what do I do with you?"

"Sir?" Shepard looked at him in surprise.

Hackett took a seat in the other chair and regarded Shepard for a long moment. "Officially, I'm outraged at the crap you pulled, Commander. But I have to say it's good to see the spark back in your eyes. I know this has been a tough battle for you, Shepard."

Shepard didn't know how to respond to that so she kept quiet.

"I need to know if you plan to stay in the military or take medical retirement," Hackett said quietly.

Shepard squirmed a little and then stood and paced a little around the room, her cane tapping on the floor. "Sir, I…" Shepard took a breath and looked at the wall as she tried to get a handle on the myriad of feelings tangled inside her.

"Speak freely, Commander," Hackett rumbled kindly. "I want you to speak your mind."

Shepard looked at the grizzled man for a moment before deciding to plunge right in to what had been quietly eating at her. "I've always given my all to being a good Marine. I've proved that throughout my career…even before Elysium." She paced over to the other side of the room.

"I went through hell several different ways for the Alliance in order to get the job done. I was always there, ready and willing, when the Alliance needed me. But when I came back after…after being resurrected," she gave a long sigh and turned to look directly at Hackett. She didn't bother to hide her emotions behind the commander's mask. "When I needed the Alliance, I was turned away."

The remembered emotions from that time bubbled up within her and she plowed on, her voice rising with remembered hurt. "I didn't want to be with Cerberus. I didn't trust them. The Alliance never gave me even a chance to explain. You pushed me into Cerberus' arms."

"I know, Shepard," Hackett whispered.

"But you still called me when you had missions you wanted done. So what was it, Admiral? Why? Did you trust me or not?" Shepard looked at him accusingly as she leaned against the wall.

Hackett gave a long sigh. "It's not that simple, Shepard. We had a funeral for you. Mourned your loss and celebrated your achievements. Then we heard rumors that you were with Cerberus," Hackett rubbed the bridge of his nose. "We'd found a couple of their agents in our ranks and we suspected there were more. And then you showed up with an unbelievable story of how they resurrected you from the dead," Hackett looked at her and she was shocked at how haggard and old he looked.

"Shepard, we couldn't be certain that you weren't a clone, or brainwashed to be a sleeper agent. Accepting you back at that point seemed like letting the fox into the coop," he sighed heavily again. "For what it's worth, I'm sorry."

"So…what?" Shepard asked in irritation. "You threw me to Cerberus to see what I'd do? All those missions you asked me to do…were they just tests?"

"That wasn't the initial intention…but, yes. Your willingness to help and forwarding us data you got from Cerberus helped prove you were still the Alliance hero we knew."

"And Bahak?" Shepard asked in a ragged whisper. "Was that a test, too?"

Hackett gave her a look full of regret and empathy. "No, Shepard. I had no idea that Bahak was anything other than a rescue mission. You did what you had to do. I know you regret those deaths, but…it was the only course of action."

"Yeah," Shepard whispered sadly.

"Shepard, with all you've been through since boarding the Normandy you absolutely deserve to retire," Hackett said in a strong tone full of conviction and feeling. "But we _need_ you. Earth, the Alliance…We need your leadership. I don't think you truly realize the toll this war took on our senior officers."

Shepard stood quietly for a long moment and then simply nodded slightly. Hackett visibly relaxed at her unspoken acceptance.

"And have you decided what name you'll use? Does Shepard return as a hero or do we let her simply go down in history?"

Shepard regarded him silently as she thought this over. Did she want the continued expectations and accolades that now came with the recognition of her name? Did she want to start over as an unknown, anonymous Marine? Both had their merits. She was tired of being Shepard-the-Savior; Commander-Fucking-Shepard who could handle anything. But could she be comfortable hiding from who she was and all she had gone through?

"Think about this before you answer, Shepard," Hackett said with quiet intensity. "Earth desperately needs something to celebrate. We need the leadership and experience that Commander Shepard will bring. Although, I'd understand if you want to escape the fame that you've earned." Hackett sighed deeply.

"Commander Shepard's promotion will be a formal ceremony and broadcast on all networks. Captain Alenko's would simply be put in the files. Regardless, the date of your promotion will be listed as retroactive to the defeat of the Reapers – which is being called VR Day." Hackett gave her a smile as he rose and walked over to her.

"I'm glad you're back, Shepard," Hackett said as he patted her arm.

Shepard gave him a small smile and watched as he left. She wasn't sure what to expect from this new development in her life, but it felt good to know she still belonged and had a future to look forward to and that she could decide which direction her life would go.

* * *

**A/N: Thanks again for all the reviews, favs and follows! I truly love them and they have kept this story going.**

**I have a general idea of what is coming in the next couple of chapters to close this out. Is there something that you would really like me to cover? Any snippets mentioned in previous chapters that you would like me to bring up before this ends? Review and let me know **


	14. Chapter 14

**Chapter 14: On That Day…**

Shepard paced the length of her hospital room and checked the time again. Her stomach was knotted tight at the thought of meeting Kaidan's mom. They should be here any moment.

She went into the bathroom and checked her appearance in the mirror again. She wore fatigues and her hair was finally past the spiky stage and curled against her head. She nervously fiddled with a couple of curls that wanted to stand up and sighed.

She walked back out and sat in the chair by the window. What was she going to talk about? How do you speak to a mom? She hadn't talked with anyone's mom since she'd lost her parents on Mindoir. She felt completely out of her depth and hoped she wouldn't do or say anything that would alienate Mrs. Alenko. She had a sudden image of ruining the relationship between Kaidan and his mom and couldn't suppress a groan.

"Hey, Commander." Shepard jumped at Joker's sudden entrance.

"Joker?" Shepard gasped when she turned to look at him. "What happened?"

"They made me shave!" he wailed in despair.

Shepard smothered a giggle at his forlorn expression and kept a suitably sad tilt to her lips. "You look like a little kid," she said as he took a seat next to her.

Joker's frown deepened, if that was even possible, and he slouched in the seat. "Yeah, don't rub it in."

Shepard turned her gaze back to the window and stayed silent until Joker spoke again. "I hear you took the promotion," he said. "I'll probably still call you 'Commander', though."

"Yeah," Shepard sighed. "I'm not ready to retire yet and there's too much to be done. I have to decide if I keep Shepard or use another name. You know…have some anonymity."

"Right," Joker snorted. "That'll last all of five minutes before you say something like 'When I destroyed the Collectors' and then the cat'll be out of the bag."

Shepard looked at Joker in startled alarm. She had never given any thought to the fact that she'd have to treat her accomplishments – Shepard's accomplishments – as a third person if she took another name. Could she do that? Did she want to?

"I hadn't considered that," she said quietly. While it would be nice to be out from under the scrutiny of some of her decisions, it would be almost impossible not to reference her career in any fashion.

"Geez, Commander," Joker said while staring at her. "How could you not consider that?"

"Guess I'm getting soft laying around all these months," Shepard said with a slight grin.

"No shit," Joker agreed. "I have to get going. I pick up my first set of assholes in an hour. I just wondered if Hackett piled anything on you."

Shepard sighed and waved toward the pile of data pads on her bedside table. "Only about a thousand reports that need to be coded for archive."

"Ouch," Joker said with a laugh. "I guess my duty isn't so bad. I'll see you again soon, Shepard."

"Smartass," Shepard grumbled as he got up. "Hey, Joker," she called before he went through the door. Joker stopped and turned to look at her. "Thanks…for everything. I could always count on you to help me put things in perspective. I'm glad that hasn't changed."

"Never will, _Admiral_," Joker said with a smile and left.

No sooner had Joker walked out when a young Yeoman entered with a wheeled tray and asked for permission to set out the dinner. Shepard told him to go ahead and paced to the other side of the room. Her stomach knotted again with tension that had disappeared during her talk with Joker.

The Yeoman was almost finished when Kaidan entered with an older woman who could only be his mother. She was average height and slightly heavy, her black hair liberally streaked with grey and pulled into a bun. She had a round face with dancing grey eyes. The shape of her eyes and mouth were reflected in Kaidan's, Shepard thought.

"Hey, Shepard," Kaidan said with a smile and walked over to give her a kiss on the cheek. "I'd like you to meet my mom, Jaeda. Mom, this is Emelia."

"Mrs. Alenko, it's a pleasure," Shepard said with a smile as she reached to shake the older woman's hand.

"It is a very wonderful pleasure to meet you," Mrs. Alenko said with a huge smile. She placed her hand in Shepard's and then stepped forward to give the young woman a brief hug. "Please call me Jaeda."

Shepard was shocked speechless by the warmth of the gesture and only managed to shake it off when Kaidan suggested they sit down to dinner.

The dinner was delicious and Shepard instantly knew it hadn't come from the hospital cafeteria. Kaidan must have used his rank to get something catered. The conversation during dinner was a little stilted. Shepard was trying hard not to talk about any topic that might cause Mrs. Alenko – Jaeda – any discomfort. She thought the older woman might be having the same problem. Kaidan kept glancing between the two women with a glint of fear in his eyes. Shepard wondered if he thought they would start swapping embarrassing stories about him. _Actually_, she thought, _that would be fun._

Shepard gave Kaidan a mischievous grin and he practically choked on the food he was in the process of swallowing.

"So Kaidan tells me you're not sure if you'll stay in the military," Jaeda said softly as Kaidan tried to get himself under control.

"Actually," Shepard said quietly as she looked from Mrs. Alenko to Kaidan. "Hackett came to see me this morning. I accepted the promotion."

Mrs. Alenko congratulated her and Kaidan gave her a wide, loving smile. "Is the Shepard legacy going to continue?" Kaidan asked warmly.

"Yes," Shepard said and watched as a look of – was it relief? – washed over his face. "I can't be anyone other than who I am."

Kaidan reached out and squeezed her hand, gently rubbing his thumb over the back of it. "I'd have been really concerned if you'd tried."

"It might be crazy for a couple of months until the hoopla settles down," Shepard said with a grimace.

"We'll survive," Kaidan said and gave her a brief kiss.

Shepard noticed Mrs. Alenko was sitting back in her seat with a smile on her face as she watched the scene between her son and Shepard. "Yeah, well," Shepard said and cleared her throat self-consciously.

"Kaidan told me about how you two met," Mrs. Alenko said softly. "I was wondering when it was that you realized you loved him. It must have been hard considering your respective rank and position."

Shepard blinked and regarded Kaidan's mother. The older woman's face held no censure, only curiosity and Shepard realized that Mrs. Alenko genuinely asked it out of love for her son.

Shepard looked at Kaidan and tried to pin down the moment during their chase of Saren that she had fallen in love with this man.

"That's a difficult question, Mrs…uh…Jaeda," Shepard said quietly as Kaidan's thumb stroked her hand. "From the moment I met Kaidan I was impressed by him. He was so calm and meticulous. His mastery of his biotics was beautiful to behold. He was an incredible marine, on and off the battlefield."

Kaidan smiled at her as she continued to try to figure out how to answer. "I don't know when I actually fell in love with him, but I remember the moment I realized it." Shepard tore her gaze away from Kaidan and looked at his mother. She couldn't stop the smile that the memory brought to her face.

"We had been on the Normandy for a couple of months and every night I would walk around the ship and speak to each of my crew. I always looked forward to speaking to Kaidan the most and always spent longer talking to him. This one night we'd had a hard mission where scientists had turned the members of a colony into Thorian husks and when I went to talk to Kaidan he wasn't there. He was in the med bay with a migraine," Shepard paused as she looked at Kaidan briefly before looking back at his mother. Mrs. Alenko sat in rapt attention.

"I just stood at his station for a long time. I didn't know what to do with myself. The loss of that time with him was almost a physical pain," Shepard shook her head. "That sounds so sappy, but its how I felt."

"Pretty sappy, Shepard," Kaidan said with a grin and Shepard punched his shoulder as his mom lightly smacked his other shoulder.

"Quiet, Kaidan," Mrs. Alenko said with a mock frown. "Let her tell her story. Go on, dear. What did you do?"

"Well," Shepard kept her gaze off of Kaidan as she felt her cheeks grow warm. "As late as it was, I went to the med bay. Doctor Chakwas was just shutting down to go to bed and she gave me the strangest look. I practically tip-toed to his bedside and sat on the stool."

Shepard finally turned to look at Kaidan. "I just sat there and looked at you for the longest time memorizing every detail. You groaned in your sleep and so I held your hand and rubbed it like you're doing to me now. I looked at your face and remembered the sound of your voice and how you do that little half grin. That's when I realized I was in love with you and had been for a very long time."

"Sappy," Kaidan whispered as he brought his face close to hers. "And I love it." Kaidan kissed her and she happily returned it.

"I'm so glad you two found each other," Mrs. Alenko said quietly with a smile when they turned back to her. "I think you've been very good for Kaidan." She wiped away a tear, but her smile never faltered.

Shepard realized the tears came from happiness and from missing her own husband. "Kaidan has been good for me, too. You've raised a wonderful man."

* * *

Shepard put her last data pad in the small bag and zipped it up. The few belongings she had gathered during her time in the hospital were all packed up. She felt a smile come over her as she thought about moving into the apartment with Kaidan and starting her new job at Alliance HQ. It had been a long, rough road but she felt genuinely content with where her life had brought her.

Dr. Patel walked into the room and Shepard turned to him with a grin. "Thanks for all your hard work, doctor," she said and held out her hand. "I appreciate everything, but I'm really ready to get out of here."

Dr. Patel didn't reach out to reciprocate the offered handshake. Instead he ran a hand over the back of his neck and shifted his feet. His gaze wouldn't meet Shepard's.

"What's going on, doc?" Shepard asked as apprehension gripped her.

"I'm afraid you won't be leaving us quite yet, Admiral Shepard," the doctor replied in an uneasy voice.

"Of course I am. I've been here for months and I'm healed up. Hell, I'm even using a cane, which you all said was unlikely. I'm out of here." Shepard growled at the man.

"You've made extraordinary progress, Admiral, but your therapist refused to sign off on your release. I'm afraid you will have to stay until Dr. Kallestri concurs with your release."

"Like hell!" Shepard growled and stomped out of the room. Her anger only grew as she stomped through the hallways to the therapist's office as fast as her limp would allow, her cane thumping as she went.

Shepard ignored the receptionist and barged straight in to the office.

"What the fuck do you think you're playing at," Shepard yelled as soon as she entered the room. "Sign off on the goddamn paperwork and let me get the hell out of here."

The therapist looked up from her chair and gave Shepard a steady gaze. "Please have a seat, Emelia. We have a few things to discuss."

The therapist's calm demeanor only fueled Shepard's anger. "No. We. Don't. Everything is fine – or will be – once I get out of this place. I have a home and a job to go to."

"And you think you're ready for a 'normal' life?"

"I think I've damn well earned it and I'm not staying here any longer!"

"What happened a few days ago with Major Alenko?"

"Don't even fucking go there. That was nothing."

"You had another panic attack. Tell me about it."

"No."

"Emelia…"

"It was nothing. Nobody got hurt. I'm over it, everything's good so just drop it and let me out of here."

"No."

"What?"

"Don't you want to get to the bottom of this? Let's talk about it."

"It was irrational. There's nothing to talk about."

"You thought there were husks around the corner again?"

Shepard glared at the doctor. Dr. Kallestri seemed unaffected by her anger. "I won't sign this until we talk about it, so…"

Shepard was silent a moment before letting out a frustrated sigh. "Yes. I swear I could smell them. Hear them. Even though I know they're gone I knew they were there...waiting." With an inarticulate growl Shepard limped over to stand in front of the wall of windows looking out over the small patio.

"You had a picnic on the grounds with Kaidan and were returning to the hospital, isn't that right? How did that go?"

"It was perfect," Shepard said quietly. She was silent for a long moment as she watched the soft rain hit the patio.

"Remember that there are no interior thoughts in this room, Emelia. No matter how off-topic it seems I want you to speak your thoughts. What are you thinking?"

"Fairy tales are a lie," Shepard said in a soft, angry voice.

"Are they?" Dr. Kallestri asked quietly.

"Everyone knows them, wants them, but you also know they don't exist. Fairy tales are cruel."

After a long moment of silence Dr. Kallestri prompted, "How so?"

"Fairy tales taunt you and make you want them. They hover out there tempting you to believe in them. You start to believe and then when you reach out for it…it disappears. It makes you want it, believe in it and then it leaves you," Shepard took a trembling breath. "And then what are you left with?"

"Is that what you're afraid of? With Kaidan?" Dr. Kallestri asked softly.

"I've lost everything I've ever loved in this life, even Kaidan once. I don't want to lose him again."

"He's stayed with you through your rehabilitation. What makes you think that will change?"

"Kaidan's been wonderful. I never would've come this far without him, but what if…," Shepard's voice caught. "I keep waiting for the inevitable. For him to either leave or be taken from me like everyone else."

"That is a common fear for everyone entering into a committed relationship, Emelia. Your past losses just make it a little more…intense for you," Dr. Kallestri said quietly.

Shepard continued to look out the window and didn't respond.

"Have you talked to Kaidan about this?"

Shepard shook her head. "No. It's silly, not worth mentioning."

"It's definitely not silly and it's worthy enough to give you panic attacks. I think you should talk to Kaidan. He's outside. Should I ask him to come in?" Dr. Kallestri said in the same patient tone.

Shepard felt embarrassment was over her. "I'd rather not," she droned.

The doctor was quiet for a moment. "I can't in good conscience sign your release knowing there is a problem you're unwilling to deal with."

Shepard sighed. The doctor was manipulating her and she knew it, but there wasn't any alternative that she could see. She wanted to get out of the hospital. "Fine," she growled and the doctor called her receptionist and asked that Kaidan be sent in.

Shepard didn't turn around when Kaidan entered. Doctor Kallestri greeted him and explained that she wanted Shepard to share some concerns with him. Shepard felt it when they both turned to look at her. Keeping her gaze firmly on the window in front of her she re-stated her fear of losing Kaidan.

Shepard felt a hand on her shoulder and Kaidan's trembling voice next to her ear. "I love you, Em. Not your physical abilities, but you. I love how smart you are and how funny you can be. I love your sarcasm and your grasp of people. I love how you take command of any situation and how you care so much about those under you. I even love your temper, although not so much when it's directed at me," he said with a grin. "None of that has changed. You are STILL that woman." Kaidan wrapped his arms around her. "I'm not going anywhere. I don't know if being married to me can be compared to a fairy tale, but what we have is real and that won't change."

Shepard turned around in his arms and hugged him as he squeezed her tightly. "I don't want to disappoint you," she said softly into his neck.

"I told you that I would never doubt you again and I won't. You aren't getting rid of me. I love you too much. You need to believe that. Trust that."

Shepard raised her head and looked in Kaidan's eyes. "I do."

Kaidan grinned. "Good. Keep practicing that line. You'll need it for the ceremony."

Shepard laughed and kissed him. She turned to speak to Dr. Kallestri, but the woman had left the office at some point. On the end table was a data pad with Shepard's release and it was signed.

"Let's get you out of here," Kaidan said and nipped at her ear.

"Let's go home," Shepard said with a chuckle and handed the pad to Kaidan.


	15. Chapter 15

**A/N: I deliberately didn't include a full write-up for each character in order to keep this chapter under control. I also wanted you, the reader, to be able to fill in with your own thoughts on the characters. The ones I chose are the characters I most enjoyed or that I thought deserved it due to their presence in this story. Please let me know if you think it worked or if it made the chapter feel too choppy.**

**Thank you for the reviews, favs, and follows! Keep them coming, please!**

* * *

**Chapter 15: On That Day…**

"Five minutes to activation, Major" Joker said tensely as they stood on the bridge.

"Thank you, Joker," Kaidan replied and looked over his shoulder at Admiral Hackett and Admiral Shepard.

Shepard sucked in a breath as she watched the Sol Relay and waited for the arrival of the Asari delegation. They had received word last week that the Asari had managed to fix their relay and were going to attempt to send a ship. The rings on the Sol relay had been fixed, but no one could figure out how to make it engage or how to give it a destination. Whatever software the relays had used had been destroyed with the Citadel.

Two days ago the Asari had sent an unmanned drone through the relay and it had arrived unharmed. Now they were sending a delegation and everyone waited nervously to see if that would be successful, as well.

Kaidan had been put in command of the Normandy with orders to take Admirals Hackett and Shepard to meet the Asari delegation. Since Shepard was not in Kaidan's direct Chain of Command and would not have any input on his evaluation the military did not consider it a conflict of interest.

"5, 4, 3, 2…," Joker counted down the last seconds as the relay began spinning. "One." There was a flash of blue light and a small Asari craft was suddenly beside the relay.

"This is the Veriliant of the Asari," a voice came over the speakers.

"Veriliant, this is Admiral Shepard, Alliance Navy. Welcome to the Sol System," Shepard responded and the CIC broke into cheers.

* * *

Shepard sat in her dress blues and looked over the packed auditorium. Due to the lights she could only see the first few rows, but that was easily a hundred people. Her stomach was knotted with tension as she realized it was almost her turn to get up and speak.

The new president of Earth Parliament, the Turian Primarch Victus, the Salarian Dalatrass and the Asari Councilor had all given their speeches. The delegates from the Krogan and Quarians didn't speak, but were seated with the others to her right.

Admiral Hackett had pinned on Shepard's new rank along with medals from each of the races – including a second Star of Terra – and was now finishing up his speech. Thankfully Shepard had been able to sit during the speeches or her leg would've given up by now. Her face hurt from keeping the polite smile glued on for so long.

She risked a glance to her left and saw her friends sitting in a row. Kaidan, Joker, James, Cortez, Liara, Chakwas, Adams, Donnelly, Daniels, Traynor, Grunt, Miranda, Jack and Tali all sat straight and attentive. Shepard knew they were all just as uncomfortable as she was, but they hid it well.

Kaidan caught Shepard's eye and he gave her a quick wink. She could practically hear him say, '_You can do this'_, and she felt better. Her smile back to him was genuine.

Shepard was pulled out of her thoughts by the thunderous applause that signaled the end of Admiral Hackett's speech. Shepard felt a little guilty for not listening to it and she was sure he had said some nice things about her.

Shepard used her cane to lever herself up and stepped up to the podium. The auditorium quieted and the numerous press cameras moved slightly to get the best possible vantage. Shepard cleared her throat and looked out at the packed auditorium. She couldn't see most of the people out there, but they would each feel as if she looked directly at them.

"I would like to thank everyone who has come out tonight to share in my promotion. I would like to give special thanks to our esteemed leaders," and Shepard dutifully acknowledged all the people who had given speeches and some who hadn't but were still important enough to have seats on the stage to her right. "Thank you all for the kind words you have given me tonight."

The Earth President stood and walked to her side. "We would like to acknowledge Admiral Steven Hackett," Shepard spoke as the President placed the medals on the grizzled Admiral. "He told me at one point in the war that he had presided over the most devastating military defeat in history. But it was his leadership and vision that brought us to victory. Sir, I want to personally thank you for your dedication. I couldn't have achieved half of the support we needed without your guidance. Thank you for being there for me and for leading us through this horrendous endeavor."

Once the applause had settled and Hackett had taken his position beside Shepard at the podium, Shepard continued.

"You have all heard of my heroism and sacrifice during the Reaper War, but I have to point out that I didn't do it alone. Millions of people from all the races gathered here fought in this war. All of you here tonight helped us win this war. Millions died and their sacrifice cannot and should not be forgotten." Shepard paused to let the impact of that statement sink in.

"I would like to take this opportunity to acknowledge those who fought beside me, who helped me every step of the way. I would not be here tonight without their bravery and dedication." Shepard looked to her left and they all stood at attention.

"I know for most of you out there the war started the day the Reapers attacked Earth. But for me and those who have served with me, the war started with Eden Prime. When we found out about the Geth and first heard about the Reapers. There were times during the fight that I wasn't sure I could continue. There were defeats and setbacks that nearly took my will away. These people," Shepard gestured to her left, "and others that we have lost, kept me going. They picked me up when I was ready to give up. They gave me the support and friendship I needed to keep fighting. They had my back in the thick of things and each of them has saved my life at least once."

Each of them in turn walked up to the podium and Kaidan and Admiral Hackett assisted Shepard in presenting each of them with medals from Thessia, Palavan, Tuchanka, Sur'kesh, as well as a Star of Terra. Shepard also gave each a hug and whispered a few words for their ears alone.

"Lieutenant James Vega, thank you for your incredible skill and always having my back. You have saved my life and made me save yours. I appreciate your humor and value your friendship. I am very pleased to present you with your N7. It is well deserved. You are the very best person to lead this new era of elite Marines."

"Lieutenant Jeffrey "Joker" Moreau, you have been my helmsman and best friend since I boarded the Normandy. Thank you for always keeping my head in the game and giving me your…unique viewpoint on events. You skillfully pulled my fat out of the fire more times than I care to admit and made me laugh when I needed to most." Shepard gave him a lopsided grin.

"Attention to orders." She said in a strong voice. All the military members on the stage and in the audience rose to their feet and stood at attention. "Due to your heroism and expertise, you are hereby promoted to Lieutenant Commander, Flight. I look forward to working with you in the future." Joker blinked at her in surprise as Shepard told everyone to take their seats.

"Doctor Liara T'Soni…"

"Lieutenant Steve Cortez…"

"Doctor Chakwas…"

"Engineer's Donnelly and Daniels…."

"Urdnot Grunt…"

"Miranda Lawson…"

"Jack…"

"Admiral Tali'zorah Vas Normandy…"

"I would now like to acknowledge those who lost their lives while assisting me."

"Garrus Vakarian," Shepard paused as she suddenly choked up. "He was with me from the beginning as we chased Saren and fought the Geth. He followed me through the Omega 4 relay to defeat the Collectors and he was with me until the end as we fought the Reapers. Garrus embodied the very best of the Turian race. He was professional, an exquisite soldier, a sniper almost without equal – sorry, Garrus – and he was my best friend. He was always there for me, thick or thin. He picked me up when I was dispirited and ready to quit. He kept me laughing. And he constantly had my back when I got us into the thick of the fight. He was truly a brother to me. I…miss him more than I can say," Shepard had to pause again and wiped at the tears that managed to get through.

"Mordin Solus was a brilliant Salarian scientist. Let me amend that since all Salarians are brilliant scientists," Shepard had to pause and let the laughter die down. "Mordin was the epitome of brilliant Salarians. He gave his life to cure the genophage. He helped me defeat the Collectors and he saved not only my life, but the life of my crew several times over. I will miss his hyper discourse on…well everything and his Gilbert and Sullivan.

"Urdnot Wrex died on Virmire while we were chasing Saren…"

"Gunnery Chief Ashley Williams," Shepard looked in the front row and nodded to Ashley's sisters and mother. "Ashley was an incredible Marine. One of the best I've ever worked with. She also was a wonderful person and became a very close friend to me. It will forever haunt me that I had to make a decision that resulted in her death. She…she told me it was the right decision, but there wasn't time for me to tell her how much she had come to mean to me. Semper Fi, Ash."

"Jacob Taylor is still officially missing in action, presumed dead. I hope he proves us wrong." Shepard saw Brynn Cole in the front row crying and gently rocking their three month old little boy. "Jacob's main focus was protecting people. It is what he did best and took the most joy in…"

"Thane Krios was a Drell assassin. I know it will be hard for any of you to believe, but he had the most serene and…spiritual side of anyone I have ever met. He shared that serenity and spirituality with me during long talks. I couldn't have handled the stress of the fight against the Collectors without him."

"Admiral David Anderson was my mentor and a father figure to me. His guidance and trust are what made me who I am today. He was a leader of extraordinary caliber. He chose to stay on Earth after the attack and help the resistance. He was instrumental in planning the final attack that won the war. He leaves a huge gap in the Alliance that I have the misfortune to try to fill. I hope I don't disappoint you, Sir."

Shepard was silent a moment as the last image on the overhead display faded away. The auditorium was hushed, almost as if everyone held their breath.

"Those I have mentioned and so many more are the true heroes of the war. Those of us left behind have to find a way to continue and to build a new life." She took a deep breath and looked out at the auditorium once more before turning to give the last of the medals. Hackett stood beside her, straight and strong.

"The final person I would like to acknowledge is the one who means the most to me. Without him I never could have handled the pressure and horrors of this war. Major Kaidan Alenko started out as a Lieutenant on the Normandy SR1 and quickly became my most trusted officer and member of my ground team. His calm analysis of every situation helped me determine what course of action to take. His aptitude as a Marine and a biotic saved my life and the lives of many others on the battlefield," Shepard looked at him lovingly. "His integrity and empathy helped mold me and kept me from falling to the dark side of war. He worked constantly to support me as I recovered from my injuries. Kaidan, you…you're everything to me."

There was thunderous applause as Emelia pinned the last medal to Kaidan's uniform. Shepard hugged him fiercely and he returned the embrace. After a long moment she pulled back and Kaidan met her eyes and they gazed at each other lovingly until Hackett cleared his throat and moved to the podium.

Shepard and Kaidan took their seats as Hackett gave the closing remarks. The only thing left was the reception afterward for the awardees and five hundred plus guests. Shepard suppressed a sigh. She would much rather go home with Kaidan.


	16. Epilogue

**Epilogue: On That Day…**

Shepard looked out at the living room full of people and listened to the sound of laughter and conversation underscored by smooth jazz in the background. It was good to have all their friends together again.

In a few days she and Kaidan would be boarding the Normandy for a series of diplomatic meetings across the galaxy. All the races had agreed that it was too risky to try to repair the original Citadel. There was too much that was unknown and the fear was that they could accidentally re-activate the Reapers. Instead all the races would get together and build a new citadel.

"…didn't have the safeties and about 40 crates came crashing down around us. We had to start all over," James complained loudly.

"That's nothing, dude. One of the dignitaries I had to shuttle around wanted the entire shuttle to smell like lavender and vanilla the whole time. I had to shuttle him for three days straight! I still have a head-ache."

James laughed and then looked over to Shepard from where he and Joker stood by the open patio doors. "Totally worth it, though. Same time next year, Lola?"

"I'm game," Joker chimed in and looked expectedly at Shepard.

"Only if you buy, Joker," Shepard said with a chuckle.

"Hey, I played chauffer, so I shouldn't have to pay," Joker said with a frown.

Kaidan walked up behind Shepard's chair and put a hand on her shoulder. "I get to tag along this time, though."

James and Joker gave Shepard twin looks of horror. She grinned and held up a placating hand. "I'll be getting a kitchen pass that day, dear," she said as she looked up at Kaidan and batted her eyes.

"Oh, shit," Kaidan moaned and leaned down to kiss her before moving to the other side of the room.

Shepard surveyed their living room. It was full of people, friends. Admiral Hackett was having a conversation with Liara and Mrs. Alenko; Traynor and Daniels were laughing at something Ken had said; Adams and Chakwas were sitting very close to each other talking quietly; Cortez came over from the bar to give Joker and James another beer. Shepard noticed Tali sitting next to Liara, but instead of listening to the conversation the Quarian was looking at the table by the door. She and Kaidan had made that table a sort of memorial with pictures of the friends and family they had lost.

Shepard moved over to Tali and knelt beside her. "You alright, Tali," Shepard said softly.

Tali's hands were wringing in her lap. "I miss him," she said softly.

Shepard looked over at Garrus' picture and felt the familiar pang of loss. "Me, too. But he's here with us. They all are."

"I know. This isn't a day to be sad. This is your house warming and it's lovely."

Shepard patted Tali's shoulder and limped into the kitchen. She was wearing a long sundress with a light short sweater to cover the burn scars on her arms. She leaned over the counter and tried to shake off the sadness that thinking about Garrus and Anderson always brought on.

"Hey," Kaidan said softly as he wound his arms around her waist and hugged her from behind. "You okay?"

"Yeah," she murmured and hugged his arms. "Just missing those that aren't here."

Kaidan nuzzled her hair. "Yeah," he whispered before turning her around to face him. "But, ah, you know we have almost everyone else here. It'll probably be the only time we can get them all together. So…ah…I was thinking," he looked at her earnestly. "How about we get married?"

A surprised chuckle escaped her. "Right now?"

"Yeah," he grinned. "The rings came in yesterday and Hackett can officiate. What do you say?"

Shepard looked out at the living room crowded with their friends. She looked back at Kaidan and stroked his face. He looked so handsome in his khaki pants and blue dress shirt. His face was relaxed and his eyes crinkled with his smile. "That sounds like an excellent plan, Major," she said with a smile.

Kaidan pulled her close and tucked her hair behind her ear before he bent down and kissed her deeply. Shepard's hands went around his neck and into his hair as she returned the kiss.

"Hey," Joker called loudly. "You have guests out here, you know. Guests that you're ignoring."

Kaidan put his forehead against Shepard's as they both laughed. With his arm around her waist they walked into the living room. Everyone had stopped talking at Joker's outburst and watched them walk in together.

"Do you want to tell them?" Kaidan whispered.

Shepard smiled at him and squeezed his waist. "I'll let you do it."

Kaidan cleared his throat and looked around the room. "Well, uh, since we have you all in one place for a change. We thought we'd go ahead and get married." Kaidan looked at Admiral Hackett. "Sir, would you do us the honor of marrying us?"

"It would be my pleasure," Hackett said in a thick voice.

The room erupted in cheers and congratulations.

* * *

**A/N: Thanks for reading! Thank you all for the kind reviews and all the support. I hope you enjoyed this journey. **

**Fini.**


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